Welcome to the cemetery. Turn right and walk about 100 paces then go up about 20 steps. There it is, under the shade of a dying elm: my grave.
The tombstone reads something like “Here lieth Kris Kenneth. He didn’t really do much but was a really good father.” 1976-2014.
I used to fantasize this often, visualizing my demise and more so imagining what my funeral would be like, and even more specifically, who would attend and how devastated would they be at my expiration.
In the last ten years of my life, I did a great amount of dating. Great might be a bit full of an adjective but it comes the closest. I broke several hearts, one or two broke mine and lots of surfacey romance went down, of course all negative. Part of this death fantasy was me, floating as some recently departed ghost, watching these women cry their eyes out at my passing, along with many other people, all of whom I thought never cared. This would be my final and possibly only victory.. to finally see that I really did impact those I came in contact with.
Sick? Yes. And this coming from the guy whose felt he has an exuberant amount of confidence. An empty shell, in recollection.
Things have changed dramatically. I have a career path now. I have a wife now and I couldn’t be more satisfied. The funeral fantasy has been buried and it rots as we speak.
So why do I bring it up? As a means of truly letting go, but also to remind myself that where I’m going, alive, is a better place. I’m living a life of passion. Passion for my wife, for my career, for my children, for my God (and all because of Him).
This isn’t the end, merely the beginning. I have much to build as I keep my eyes ahead. A sustaining power flows through me second to second, a momentum that enables breath and life. I’m propelled forward with those I love surrounding me, I’m so truly blessed!
Death awaits us all but its sting is lost. The freedom all of us have is there to be embraced. I don’t need to look back and wonder if I matter. Where I come from will never disappear, but where I am going is all that I see now.