Ever felt like a failure? As though you’ve not only let yourself down monumentally and the internal beatings that transpire, but also let down those around you that you usually go out of your way to inspire and to show them your worth and your true character? That’s me tonight.
A somber topic but one burning on my heart at the moment to speak to. Relevant, I’m hoping because it’s universal. We all either have been here or unfortunately, will be here one day. Well, today is my day.
I don’t ever consider myself to be lazy and without a rudder. I set a game plan and generally speaking, execute it, regardless of if anyone is watching or taking notes. I live without a ceiling; and this will propel me to the success I yearn for one day. But for now, I have failed.
I embrace hard lessons. Hard lessons aren’t wise lessons though. My choices of late aren’t random situations of “wow, that was unforeseeable”. No, my choices are that of negligence; the common sense in me gives way to addiction and regularity of late. I know better, yet I choose the path of failure and destruction instead of victory and peace of mind.
My actions and reactions aren’t just for me. If I was a single, middle aged man than yes, they would be. But I run a ship of wife and children, and my poor choices affect not only me but they suffer inexplicably because of me.
Is this the most negative post I’ve ever penned? Definitely, but it plays out as a vivid warning to me. All of my thoughts and all of my words, whether through this blog, in my television writing or in my daily life, are the product of my choices and how I choose to reflect or just let it pass as water under the bridge. Only now, my water is dank sewage and it corrupts the bridge it passes under, seeping into reality more than I care to know about.
The key characters….the stars in the movie of my life don’t deserve the man that feels the weight of the world tonight on his heart. They deserve a wiser man; a better man. They deserve a leader. Someone who shuns stupidity and excels in life. I cannot say I am that man and it makes my being ache in realizing this.
With the cold, hard bottom at my grasp, what can I do but ascend as quick as possible to clear my name and shine as I’ve never before. I can’t allow anything to get any worse. My beautiful wife and my adoring children need a super man; every family does. I need to reinvent myself to become him; not this repulsive, enemy of a figure in their needing lives. In terms of supply and demand, I have nothing to offer at the time when my strength is most in demand.
Realizing my failure is the first step in my recovery. I’m sickened and saddened at my place in life, and when the future seemed so bright.
If I wake up now, all is not lost. I believe there’s a chance I can reclaim my title in life and I can exceed all that pushes against me, me currently being my greatest enemy.
I don’t need to any longer shy away from looking at myself in the mirror. Shame be lifted. Sadness be silenced. Grace be accepted. The road to redemption is long and I will travel it alone, and without fear.