Linguistic Gifts That Keep On Giving

Life is like an open garbage can. You can throw crap in it and at a distance, it’s a beautiful thing. But looking down on it, its stank is strong enough to encourage vomit.

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People sometimes remind me of lepers. At first glance, they’re just like me. At glance number two, their flesh is falling off and they’re untouchable. And on final glance, they just need help, as do I. Mentally.

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Mornings often remind me of Prince in a velvet get-up. You don’t want to make eye contact, yet you’re drawn to its regality. You want less, all the while wanting more.

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Sometimes I reminisce about ‘the glory days’ or the best time of my life. I ponder those moments, and a warm rush of smile creases my masculine face. Then I pause and remind myself that those days are yet to play-out. So far all I’ve experienced is crap after crap repeat.

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I was once told to ‘never look a gift horse in the mouth’. The reference falls flat on me. I think it’s ten times funnier to say ‘never look a gift whore in the mouth’. Still means nothing to me, but at least I can deliver it with a smile.

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People are like ‘Tim Hortons or Starbucks’? Other people are like ‘Canadians say they like Tim Hortons ’cause they can’t afford Starbucks’. And even others say ‘Nah, McDonald’s coffee is the best’. I say who gives a rats ass. I say if I actually enjoyed coffee, I’d be so secretive about who was doing my brewing that nobody would know, especially not John Q. Public. Or my wife.

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Ever wake up and realize you should have done something else with your life? Me neither.

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What about that slogan ‘sink or swim’? Everyone assumes everyone is going with ‘swim’, ’cause why would you wanna drown? But what people don’t understand that their are lifeguards on hand. I’d go with ‘sink’, because someone can assist me instead of the hassle and hard work of me saving myself. Isn’t that the Canadian dream?

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Yesterday, after a nice mid-morning nap, looked in the mirror and thought, “Dang boy, I like.’

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What about pregnant people?

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People often stop me on the street and they say, ‘hey, you’re that guy!’ with an excited grin on their face. I put my hands up and say either, ‘Guilty as charged’ or ‘That, I am’, followed by a sheepish grin and a selfie stick, poised to snap the inevitable fan selfie.
*Obviously ,this is a slight embellishment as I am still a proverbial nobody. When I do however become a proverbial someone, proverbially speaking of course, then the proverb will ring true.

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