Raising kids is like vaccinating your monkey. Can be rewarding but ultimately there’s no way out of it.

Housecleaning is like the opposite of breast augmentation surgery. If you don’t do it, things just get dirtier and dirtier.

Spreading peanut butter on bread is like spreading HIV. Seems legal… but is it?!?

Getting married is a lot like getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle. Visiting is fun but will you get out alive? I didn’t.

It was once said that Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. What an idiot. Only guy I know that would pick a peck.

Alcoholics believe that you should live one day at a time. I tried that once. I much prefer living a whole bunch of them simultaneously. Gives greater focus.

Collecting welfare is an lot like vacuuming a stretch of carpet. We all like the idea but it’s an awful lot of work.

Going to university is very much like buying a nice, new shiny smart car. It feels decent, I guess, for a day or so and then it’s I Iike K, now what?

I don’t know what it is but I’ve always wanted to be a door to door milk man, getting up at the crack o’ dawn each and every morning and supplying my neighbourhood village with freshly squeezed dairy products. All I need is a time machine.

Living in Alberta in winter is like… living in Alberta in winter. Stupid.

Writing a non-fictional novel on your smart phone is like rendering your childhood bully sterile. Nothing could be cooler.

Pushing an elderly person down a huge flight of stairs is an awful lot like the invention of the computer. Either way, people got hurt.

Filing for divorce could be best described as playing baseball naked in the rain, at night. It’s hard to see and you wouldn’t want to slide into home. Umpire or no umpire.

I’m convinced the best way to not stress is to pretend what causing the stress doesn’t exist. Same thing goes for politicians, illegitimate children and the Easter bunny.

Monday mornings are an awful lot like going blind. The more often you experience them,

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