Grey Area

From birth, I’ve been taught right and wrong. Good side versus the bad side, where we, as moral people, feel good or right when the good side wins. This is the climax of every movie and dare I say every book, as well as every sitcom or any other show on TV. We have a hero/star/protagonist who faces a series of horrible and sometimes comical events over which he eventually triumphs and the world is as it should be… resolved. At peace. The good guy is victorious. Now there’s nothing that can stop him, even in next week’s episode. He always ends up on top. But this isn’t life.

Much of what we are taught at a very young age is fantasy. It’s fiction. Sure, the sun will come up tomorrow but will I be the heiress to a billion dollar fortune? I don’t even have red hair or freckles. Will I leave my comfortable childhood home in a grassy hill home with a circular door, fight many battles, destroy the ‘One’ ring, and one day hope to make it back home? That’s basically what I’m in the middle of right now. A great (or not so great) journey encountering horrible foes on the way to my destiny, as it were.

Maybe I’m just tired today. Sleepy, yes, always. But tired of life patterns and/or dumb choices and I’m finding my path a touch foggy at the moment.

I can’t and won’t ever be perfect at, or in anything. I won’t be the perfect husband, the perfect Christian, the perfect writer or the perfect father. In God’s eyes I am but in mine, I am anything but. I can’t be the perfect friend, the perfect employee or the perfect son.

You get the gist. And in all these roles, there are titles and rules and sub-categories and blah. Take, for example, the father role. I need to be present, involved, hands-on, loving unconditionally, disciplinarian, an ear, a voice, an overseer, a bank account, a chauffeur, a role model etc. Then under say disciplinarian I am required to be fair, swift, believable, unflinching, direct, impressive, assertive etc. Then under assertive I must come across as strong, as being able to stand up for my own rights or others and fair,  confident, decisive etc.

So, and excuse this as I only have so much build up room here as this is only a blog, but why is it that anything outside of ‘good behaviour’ in my mind is all I can do? I’m saying this as the guy that doesn’t refrain from a drink, even though I know better. This is the guy that swears at times, even though I know better. This is the guy that has come close to punching dudes in the face and/or body when I don’t approve of how they approach or look at my wife. This is the guy that is capable of so much more than the little educated boy inside me could ever dream of but is now his reality.

I know better. But I war against that. At least my flesh does. He wants to stretch his legs. He wants to throw some punches, literal ones too. He wants let out of the box, and I hold that key.

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