Basically, leave all your natural instincts at the door when dealing with a wife.
I wish this was a class taught in junior high and again, in more depth, in high school, worth at least 3 credits. Men truly are from Uranus and women are from the 17th moon of Endor. Put that on a T-shirt.
Today was the first day my wife and I attended a couples counseling session. Our go-to guy had met with me separately and as well, with Krista to get all the nitty gritty of who we are and what kind of help we are seeking.
I can’t lie… it was well worth the personal cheque I wrote, postdated for somewhere pushing 2020. We received some practical advice and some hands on tools to use in times calling for assistance. We go back in about 2 weeks.
One of the fundamental truths I picked up today (and something my wife has previously tried to impress upon me) is, when we aren’t seeing eye to eye and it’s getting ugly and things are getting thrown and words are transferring to anger and contempt… get this… I am supposed to hold her and comfort her.
What!! Let me paint the picture a little richer if you’re thinking this is normal or easy! She’s pushed my buttons. I don’t react well to that and therefore have put up a wall and I’ve gone to defensive mode, protecting and defending myself. This angers her and she goes to many lengths to make her case heard ever more (usually “you aren’t hearing my fillins”…. her pronunciation of the English word ‘feelings’). This puts me over the top where I say mean, hurtful things and often the sentiment “keep going, Krista. Are you having fun? Keep goin.”.. aka shut your mouth right about now.
OK, so this is where the typical ‘newlywed’ fight winds up. No, I’m not proud of my input into it.. I’m more than willing to get help and advice and implement it, as I know she is as well. But this is what blows my 40 year old mind.. that through that which I’ve just documented, the fix is for me to hug her/hold her and tell her she’s loved. K, what!
At this point, I’m removing myself from her, as complete as I possibly can. I feel like why would she want my touch let alone my presence? And I want cooling time so same thing.. why would I go against how I am feeling in that moment which I know all too well?
BECAUSE IT’S WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO.. IT IS WHAT SHE WANTS AND IT IS WHAT SHE NEEDS. And see that is where I must go against every instinct that is in me. I must disregard it; abandon it fully, because she needs something different. And as her husband, I will accommodate.
I love my wife too much to not accommodate and yes, it goes far deeper than accommodation. I adore her and therefore need to do whatever I can to make her feel loved, accepted and comforted.. regardless of how I am feeling in the midst of it all.