Creamed Tuna’r On Toast (From my upcoming recipe book for incompetent men).

I friggin’ love this recipe. In theory, it seems kinda nasty and it doesn’t look any more appealing but once you sink your beigey whites into it, your mouth will be curling its toes in utter delight. Its healthy attributes compliment this number twelve-fold, and just the subtle combination of tuna and warm, toasted bread with a thimble full of sweet summer peas makes this bad boy scream, “Eat me!”. Let’s dive in feet first. I want you devouring this ASAP.

Items strongly recommended for successfully pulling this recipe off:

2 cans of Albuquerque tuna (just kidding.. any kind will do. But say Albuquerque out loud once or twice). 2-3 cups milk, chilled to the bone. A gentle roux (melted margarine and flour). Bread, 4-6 slices. 1 cup or so of frozen peas. A frying pan. A spatula. A toaster. Measuring spoons and cups. The will to live.
1) Doin’ the roux. This word is new to me but I must say its zaniness is preceded only by its authenticity. Place your frying pan on a burner and jack up the heat to about a mid-level. Measure out a tablespoon of margarine and plop it onto the searing heat of said pan. It will melt. Oh yes, it will. And as it magically turns from a solid to a liquid format, you’re gonna wanna put in a tablespoon or so of white flour into your melty marg, then blend in until you have floury paste of sorts. You did it, hombre. That was the most difficult part of this whole recipe. Breathe easy and smoke ’em if you got ’em.
2) Take a 1 cup measuring cup and fill it to the brim with cold milk. Pour into pan. Repeat once more, this time without breathing a single breath. Give the concoction a little stir. Place a lid on the pan and wait and watch with baited breath, until you can confirm legally with your eyeballs that a rolling boil has commenced. High fives. You’re an amazing specimen.
3) At this point in the festivities, open your two cans of tuna fish. I personally don’t give a crap how you accomplish this, just get them lidless. With a fork, scoop out the dead contents of both cans into the milky hot soup you know have in your pan. Stir that stuff all up, and do it like a man. Atta’ guy.
4) You’re probably going to wanna add say another cup of milk. I also season the hot mess at this point with some serious salt and pepper. Go to town. Literally. Then when you get back, put some salt and peppy on it.
5) I now keep the lid off for the duration, and I’ll wind the heat knob down to say a 3, allowing just enough heat to thicken up the fishy dealio that you have created with your bare hands like the champ that you are. We aren’t done yet but oh, so close. Soon, it’ll be rolling around your taste buds like a…something in a something or other.
6) The creamed tuna is ready. Add another splish of pepper and a sploosh of salt, for good measure. Next, toast up some bread and warm up your peas. No, I haven’t the time, money or patience to explain this recipe-within-the-recipe at the moment so if you needn’t know how, I’m going to have to refer you to the Googletron.
7) Last but not least, to cap off this extraordinary culinary journey, take your toast and put ’em side by side on your plate. Not top to bottom nor corner to corner, but side to side. This is imperative. Then, scoop out your creamed tuna’r onto the toast. There you go, you got this. And last, and definitely least, sprinkle some warm peas on top, as though you were living life on Uranus and it was raining again. Only thing is, on Uranus, the rain looks like peas.
8) Great success!! Now all there is to do is to sit your heinie down, grab a fork and knife, slice up those toasts and put food in mouth. The end.

-Remember that childhood song of yesteryear? It definitely comes to mind. “Diarrhea (double stuccato fart sound), Diarrhea (double stuccato fart sound), People think it’s gross but it’s really good on toast, Diarrhea (2 sounds), Diarrhea (you get it)”.
-My wife hates this. Yes, the song too but I was meaning the recipe. God rest her soul, she meant well. My parents and siblings all love it. Other humans probably do as well, right? So I’m saying you’re going to love it, too. Or you’ll hate it. One or the other.
-Do you enjoy fishing? I sure as heck do, though I don’t have a rod. Anyway, my point is if I could catch a bunch of tuna, then employ a room full of sweat shop style workers to can it for me? Just sayin’ I’d be eating a lot of creamed tuna on toast, and with an ear to ear grin.
-Ever burn yourself on a hot pan as a kid? Ya, you did. We all did. Even as an adult, you did, just admit it. Why you lyin’? I know when you aren’t telling the truth, so why do it? We’re all adults here, k. So fit in. Lie less. Or more, your call. Just do it smarter, okay?

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