Grilled Cheese Sandsnitches (From my upcoming recipe book for the incompetent male).

So warm! So gosh darn toasty! Think winter, people. The deepest, deep winter morn there ever was. What’s the one thing that helps you wake up in the morning? The notion of a beautiful, steaming plate full of grilled cheese sandwiches, that’s what. Go ahead and tell me this ain’t the truth. Guess what? Here’s how we make this wish come true.

Stuff one would need to create these little bites of cheesy heaven: Bread. Cheese (slices or cheddar). Margarine. A pan. A knife. A turner. A fire extinguisher.

A) Put pan on a burner with heat on say a steady 6. Withdraw two pieces of bread from the bread bag and wipe margarine all over one surface of each piece with a “butter knife”.

B) Slap one of the breads margarine side down onto the hot pan. You’ll hear a significant ‘tssss’ sound. Embrace it.

C) Take a cheese slice and blanket said bread. If you’d prefer using cheddar cheese, then flippin’ go for it. Grab your block of cheese, cut like 3 slices then lay them vertically, NEVER HORIZONTALLY, onto hissing bread.

D) Key step coming up, folks. Take your second slice of bread and lay it on top of your cheese, which is on top of your first slab of bread, margarine side up. If you made it this far, I would be honored to shake your hand. And then knight thee.

E) At this point, you’re going to want to flip not only the script, but the sandwich. Do this delicately yet without mercy, full disclosure. Do it now, I say.

F) Let the B side cook for, I don’t know.. two ish more minutes? Then, crank off the heat. Take the sandwich out of the pan, onto a plate and cut in half. Then ye shall eat. Bon appetite, sandsnitches!


-Things that go great with grilled cheese: 1) A nice, hot bowl of tomato soup. 2) Ketchup. 3) A good Bible story. 4) A cool, crisp papaya juice, freshly milked. 5) A napkin, for good measure. 6) Methamphetamines.

-Ever notice how the grilled cheese sandwich always seems to make it into pretty much every menu at every restaurant world-wide? It has staying power, my friends and you gotta respect that. Tip your hat, or say a toast, in honor of this beloved, and cheesy staple. I implore you.

-Joke of the month: What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich who auditions for a porn flick? A grilled sleaze. (I’m here all week).

-Joke of the year: What’s fried and super cheesy? A grilled cheese sandwich. (Don’t forget to tip your waiter).

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