Spag ‘n Meat Sauce (from my upcoming recipe book for the incompetent male).

This is a two-parter because.. well, it has two parts. The pasta part and the meat sauce part, ya get me? I mean, who doesn’t love this classic meal? I’ll show you a new spin on this Kentucky favorite and (spoiler alert.. it involves stealing then murdering your own cow!! How cool is that?) With the pasta side of things, we won’t delve too deeply. As interesting as it is to make your own pasta from scratch, you know what I find to be a smarter choice? Opening a package and using that. So shall we?

What a dude needs: A good woman, a nice pair of denim slacks, a remote control, a fresh pack of cigs.

What a dude needs to complete this enchanting recipe: A box or bag of spaghetti, A pound or so of Ground Beef, A can of tomato/pasta sauce (any brand or variety), a pot, a frying pan, a ladle, a spoon.

The Meat Sauce:

1) Dial a burner up to a 6. Take your beef out of the package and drop into your sizzly frying pan. One step closer to the end, friend.

2) Fry the heck out of it, meanwhile breaking it up into miniscule meat crumbs with your trusty spatula. Drain fat as applicable. No, I’m not about to tell you how. You’re a big boy. Literally. To be continued…

The Spaghetti:

1) Now’s about a grand time to start boiling your pot ‘o water, obviously cranking your burner dial to a competent ‘high’.

2) When it reaches a full-on boil, put a bunch of spaghetti in. I never get this right so you won’t either. It’s always either way too much or too friggin little. You be the judge.

The Meat Sauce:

3) Back to the sauce. At this point, your beef is browned. With your knob turned down to a 3, pour on your tomato sauce and mix thoroughly with the meat. I’ve been known to sprinkle in a few spices when the moon aligns, for good measure. I’m talking about a lil garlic powder, a lil salt ‘n pepper and ya, that about covers it. Then literally cover it.

The Spaghetti:

3) Do not overcook or I will end you. Drain it and put it back in your pot. Cover it. Then breathe.

The Meat Sauce:

4) Stir here and there, and by now it will be done.

Combine the two on a plate and devour. You’re welcome.


-It has been said that the average North American household goes through one hundred and seventy seven metric tons of pasta every year. It has also been said that Angel Food cake should be served at every restaurant, including McDonald’s and Edo. I said both of these quotes. Hence, “it has been said”.

-A list of favorites to join this meal: 1) Garlic Bread! 2) Corn cobs! 3) Corn bread! 4) Corn cobs! 5) Corn! 6) Cream corn! 7) Fresh buns!

-I really should take the time to learn that whole twist-your-spaghetti-on-a-spoon-before-you-eat-it technique. I’m the guy who’s sucking that stuff up, sauce spraying all over my nose and chin, actin’ a fool at dinner parties around the globe since ’91.

-You’ll notice how I went with using a can of store bought tomato sauce to use for the meat sauce, minus a few spices. My wife would roll over in her grave (if she were dead) if she saw me instructing you in these ways. Her sauce is incredible, stocked with fresh veggies and this, that and the other effin’ thing. But hey, my recipe is basic for a reason. So ultimately, I’m the best and she’s the worst.

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