This was my sister’s fav come birthday season when we were younger. Yesteryear, some might be inclined to say. For one reason or another, I’ve adopted a fierce love of it as a man in his mid-to-late thirties. And the kicker? I’m the only one in the house who enjoys it so when I whip one of these bad boys up, it’s all for moi. On that note, let’s do this.
Obligatory Ingredients: White cake mix, Lime Jello mix, Cherry Jello Mix, Cool Whip.
1) Whip up that cake mix as per instructions on the box. Pour batter into 2 circular pans and bake. Then let those mutha’s cool.
2) Grab yourself a fork. A spork will work just as good. I suppose a pitchfork would do the job as well. Thrust it through the top of the cake, puncturing it good. Do this stabbing motion I’d say, give or take, twenty some times, making many a-hole.
3) Next, let us focus on the Jello mixes. Typically, in making actual jiggly Jello, one would mix the powder with one cup boiling water then adding one cup cold. But with this here cake, we go’n mix it up, son. Literally and legally. Mix one packet with one cup boiling h20 then pour it on the cake, slow ‘n steady like. GENTLY! Repeat same process with the other flavor on the other cake.
4) This is my favourite part, well, second to putting the finished product into my mouth. The cakes need to chill. Again… literally and imperatively. Full-on chill-pill, down the hatch. Let them sit in the refrigerator for at least an hour, if not deuce. This gives you ample time to either nap or catch up on the newest season of that crowd pleasing, Emmy award winning show Gilligan’s Island. Everyone from the original series is long dead but you still get the same feel and can enjoy a new breed of island hijinx and unorthodox shenanigans.
5) Now, the real fun begins. Remove cakes from the fridge and don’t just close that door but slam it with all your might. With a knife, gently (GENTLY!) remove one of the cakes. This can be a little trying if you’re doing it wrong but since there’s no such thing as doing it right, you’re screwed just like anybody else. One way or another, by scraping the edges and slapping the bottom of said pan like an unburpable baby.. either the cake falls gently (GENTLY!) into your palm or the effin thing comes out in eighteen different cake chunks, and that’s if you’re lucky.
6) Place cake on platter or whatevs and apply Cool Whip liberally to the top and edges. Then, and stressfully so, gently (GENTLY!) place on top of the first one and repeat icing procedure. Then guess what, guy? You done did it. How does it feel? This might be the most success you’ll ever taste, and literally. Enjoy, Mister. You’ve earned it.
-Ahhhh, cake. An aphrodisiac of the highest level. So light. So fluffy. So calorie laden. So ready to sit comfortably on your hips, man-boobs and love handles.
-Did you know that Cool Whip originally was used as a cooling agent/lubricator in a vehicle’s master cylinder? The ingredients would bind to the cylinder head and allow moisturized, yet cool air to envelope the shaft. When the company decided to market it as an oil based dessert topping, the name just stuck. Cool Whip. You be the judge.
-Two good things can come out of eating an entire cake batter, pre-cooked:
1) It’s an understatement how utterly delicious the journey is, every step of the way. Every lick o’ the spoon. Every swipe of the spatula. As much as I adore eating a cake, eating the batter is seventy-five thousand percent more heavenly.
2) You can gain weight EXTREMELY fast. I know what you’re thinking.. most humans want the opposite of that but consider this. The fatter you are, the warmer you’ll be come winter. Fat insulates. Fat provides many blessings for many folks, so try it today. You may just thank me.
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