What have I done with my life?

Four days ago, I discovered a weird rash developing on my hands. Gross, almost wart like blisters, amidst scattered smaller nodules. I then found them above my armpits, on my elbows and on the backs of my legs. More of the red and many lesion kind of traditional rash, not like the junk on my hands.

Then two days ago, I was overtaken with what would seem flu like symptoms: sore, achy muscles, throbbing head ache, sore throat, high fever, shakes. It’s been and still is a brutal run.

Today, I became privy to the blood results. Elevated hemoglobin, elevated red and white blood cells and then there came that C word.. the possibility of blood cancer.

I am a man of great faith. It’s what’s gotten me through many of life’s curve balls. I’ve risen to the occassion many a-time whether children health crisis, moves, divorce, whatever. But this is different. Though not technically real as of yet, hearing the possibility and knowing the level of symptoms, let’s just say I’ve been a bit emotional.

Which brings me to sitting in the tub, tears streaming, asking myself what have I done with my life? The answer is nothing. I suppose I’ve raised three great kids but that’s really all I’ve accomplished in this world and that puts a person’s thoughts in perspective pretty frikkin quick.

I’ve wasted more time than I’ve moved forward. I’ve missed opportunities on purpose. I’ve lied more than I should have, mostly to myself. I’ve lived two-faced for too long, with one foot in the world and one foot serving a higher power. The list could go on and on so I needn’t say anymore but man, what have I really done? The answer makes me feel so empty inside.

The next week or two will be a flurry of doctors, specialists, biopsies, bloodwork etcetera in obvious hopes of finding out the root problem and addressing it as such. I don’t even have life insurance! Cross your fingers and say a prayer if you can for me.

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