Dwindler.

It’s like I’m stuck in a place I don’t want to be and it’s all too familiar.

I just spent half my life chained to an alcohol addiction, with me, the high functioning master at arms. I know what it’s like to feel stuck. An unfortunate truth is that it’s been such a mainstay in my life that it no doubt supersedes other more positive feelings or emotions.

My current state of stuckyness is a degree of self-loathing intermingled with a room full of loneliness. And like when I struggled with the bottle, I now too know the remedy and it is to surround myself with friends and family. To not feel alone, the healthy fix is to make myself un-alone, yet my lazy comfort is in the art of being alone so it becomes a cycle, of sorts. And its dark; really dark. No way for a man to live.

I’ve cried a lot lately. Probably not compared to a neglected, PMS’ing woman watching The Notebook but to me, this has been many tears a-rollin’. And I’ve found I seek out things to trigger me, whether it be yearning for someone I can’t have or viewing a specific movie knowing that it has bawl worthy moments, or at least one. Almost like a release, it feels good, reveling in the sad state.

With this current health scare, I’ve taken some time off to accomodate all the appointments and I’m thinking this extra time on my hands might not be the greatest thing for me. Am I spiraling into some kind of mental illness? Is this what depression feels like or am I just teasing the surface without allowing myself to plunge into the dark, deepness? Sinking sucks but treading water gets old real quick.

Maybe it’s a mid-life crisis. Dating women half my age is nothing new, though I’ve never made a spur of the moment Lambo purchase. It doesn’t seem like the right title for me so I’m gonna discard that one quicker than a Snicker(s).

I know what I need to do, I haven’t lost my way. Though will I do the smart thing, albeit boring and unattractive? Sometimes that’s the way life has us living. I need to invest in people, my writing and staying positive. There. I said it. Now what’s my first step? Make a call? Get even more creative and sit in front of my computer? Listen to or read something self help or even the Bible?

First, I believe I will peruse my copy of The Notebook. I mean, it has been a while.

By Hearts Erased

A blogger for 6 years, I now have my poetry collection being published.

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