The Starving Soul.

Saw a Proverb today that stuck. “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.”

In the same vein as you are what you eat, though more sensible because frankly, I am not a pepperoni pizza. Now that I think about it, I would actually rather be considered a Big Mac or even a big ol’ bowl of broccoli than all the negatives I seem to focus on when faced with the question, “Who am I?”

My answer is generally speaking.. a loser. I am (or was) an alcoholic. I am a failure at maintaining a marriage and keeping a wife or even girlfriend at this point. I have no successful business or long term job that I have climbed and achieved great status with matching great pay. I rent an older home, borrowing someone else’s place of residence and always have. I am overweight where once I was in fantastic shape. I am sad more than I am happy and to be honest, I haven’t known the word happy for quite some time now. I find it’s more of a pursuit than a destination.

These are the things I am and this is how I thinketh in my heart about who I am and it’s not pretty. It’s embarrassing but at least it’s honest?

When I was married, my wife told herself (and all her friends and family) that I was this narcissist. I used to have a bit of confidence yes, but I was never the person to think they were above everybody else. She made it so any good thoughts I had about myself should be equated with my apparent narcissism and therefore disregarded. Obviously, my self-confidence has been one big nose dive ever since.

As much as those negatives are in fact true, it isn’t a true depiction of who I am. The real “I am” doesn’t like to take praise. He doesn’t think in terms of who he truly is. He doesn’t celebrate his achievement and take the time to tell myself it’s alright to be successful in this way or that. He does not allow back pats but to break out of this existential funk that he’s been in, it is high time I re-gain the vision of who I actually am and I won’t feel bad for it.

So as trying as it is for me, I’m going to give this a whirl. Here goes. Nothing but positives.

Who am I? I am an amazing father. Those in contact with me and know my children and all the challenges especially my girls face, applaud me and ask me how I do it. I am an accomplished artist within the formats of written word and music. I am very talented and I have barely scratched the surface of my given gifts and abilities. I am a hilarious character. I am focused, determined, motivated and dedicated, whether in going to the gym, with my writing, with my day job and in my parenting. I have a lot to offer a future spouse. I am loving, a good listener and a protective partner (as well as one heck of a lover!). I have much to give back to those in need, whether it be donating my time to those who are addicted or to the homeless. I run my home well and have raised three independent, sweet, amazing children. I am a success in many, many ways and I am loved.

Whew. That was hard. Like, really hard. But strangely I don’t feel guilty for thinking those thoughts about me. My soul is starved or must be because in accepting what was just spoken, I feel warm inside and almost a sense of forgiveness. Forgiveness for the beating I’ve given myself for years. Only believing the negatives. I don’t like living like that and I will put forth the effort to alleviate more scars in the future.

We know who I am. Who are YOU?

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