Air.

I guess I’m racing down a one way road that will end abruptly and in me ceasing to exist if something doesn’t happen and soon.

I find it interesting that my theme as of late has been looking deeper than the flesh or it’s what’s inside that matters most. Those that have been reading me are aware of my recent health problems and the sleep apnea that which is apparently the devil behind it all.

Today was surreal. I honestly refused to believe what my ears were telling me. Maybe I’m still in shock.

This morning, I was at South Health Campus running a breathing test and an arterial blood gas test, both of which to ultimately check for oxygen levels among other things. Upon gathering his data, the one lab guy (was he an actual doctor?!) seemed to be quite adamant that I immediately required an o2 tank with me at all times, plugged into my nose, 24/7. Ok…. sorry, what?!!! I’ve seen the folks that either drag or carry around an oxygen tank hooked up to them and no offense, but they look like they had been chainsmokers their entire lives. And old. So ya, I’m 41. This can’t be right. I don’t ever wheeze or am unable to catch my breath. I work. I do extensive cardio and lift heavy weights 5 days a week. You’ve got the wrong guy, doc. Or the wrong results, at any rate. Right?

Apparently not. Even the female (doctor?) was on the page. Literally. Borderline o2 levels are at a 60. I’m at a 58. So next thing I know, buddies running upstairs to speak with my doctor overseeing this whole apnea mess. He wants to tell her my numbers, set up a respiratory company to deliver a tank to me today and get started.

My brain isn’t processing any of this. I’m literally saying no inside and out but they’re telling me I have to. Oh and bonus blessing.. technically I shouldn’t be driving, especially professionally as I do/did in my job. As according to that number 58, I am considered impaired. Also right over my head. My brain can’t process information it rejects.

So eventually I go upstairs to meet with my doctor who, by the way, is an absolute knockout and I always enjoy my time with her, even though she’s basically telling me I’m dying. Anyways she’s a little easier on me than the two uppity folks on the sixth floor that gave me the results. Moving forward, I am doing another sleep test next weekend and will actually embrace my new CPAP machine and love on it dearly as it is imperative for my o2 levels to increase dramatically. And she’s booking an appointment with a respirologist asap so until then I should be able to hang in there, I would hope. I don’t need the o2 tank because she said it’s either 24/7 or nothing and even if I wore it I can’t work at my present job lugging it around with me and just, no. Because there are other options, I refuse to be the big, strong 40 something year old carting an o2 tank.

So, my friends, if you’re a pray-er then please, keep me in them. I’m too young to die. My organs ultimately are slowly dying from the years of my body compensating and the lack of o2. I need to fix this. I want to live.

By Hearts Erased

A blogger for 6 years, I now have my poetry collection being published.

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