Maple Chili (From the upcoming Cookbook for the Incompetent Male).

Recipe numero uno. Am I fluent in Spanish? No, I am not, however, I like to incorporate many a-language into my daily dialogue, kapeesh? Okay then, where was I? Oh ya, my favorite chili recipe. I mean let’s face it, there are some delicious chili’s out there in this classic creation of the orb called Earth. But this here one is quite tasty and the true beauty of it is in its simplicity. Let’s get this party started.

1) Go to a store. Any store. One that preferably sells food of all sorts. NOT an adult bookstore, for example. When you’re there, pick up a pound of ground beef, two cans of maple beans, and a big ol’ can of kidney beans. I’ll assume you have chili powder, garlic powder, salt and pepper in your spice rack, as it were. If not, you better go flippin buy some!

2) Go home.

3) Grab a nice, medium-ish sized pot and put it on a burner. Turn on said burner to slightly past medium, say a 6.5. And while you’re at it, also grab yourself a decent sized pan and slam that baby onto another burner of your choosing.

4) Using what they call a ‘can opener’, open the three cans. A crucial step. If you choose to skip this one, you’re completely screwed, you butthead. After opened, dump the contents into the warming pot. Then guess what, hessay? Throw them empties into the garbage canister. Boom. You’re nailing this. I’m proud of you.

5) Select yourself a spoon, whether wooden or whatever floats your boatsicle and stir up that there bean concoction. Also, tap in some chili powder. A decent amount. You can’t really put too much in but that being said, don’t be idiotic and dump the entire bottle in. That’s just stupid, bro. Oh, and splish some garlic powder in as well as some salt and pepper into the mix. Your taste buds will applaud later. Then stir. Then stop stirring. I’m serious. Quit it.

6) Put a lid on it. Literally.

7) Turn on your other burner now, the one under the frying pan. There’s only one like that on your stove so ya, that must be the one, right?! Open your ground beef and plop it onto the pan.

8) High five the air. You’re doing so good, mister.

9) Brown up the beef. What I’m basically commissioning you to do is using a spatula, continuously break up the meat and stir it around, all the while draining the excess fat when it pools. It’s not rocket science but if this is your first beefy rodeo, breathe easy, you can do this. Via con dios, I always say. Continue until it’s all brown as opposed to pink. This signifies that it’s cooked, just like you may or may not be.

10) Your common sense should have told you this but if not, I apologize. As you were browning that beef, you should have been occasionally stirring the beans, brah. If you did not, your house might be on fire.

14) At this point in the game, you’re going to turn off the beef burner then very delicately scrape the meat into the bean medley. Then stir it all together. Maybe go ahead and toss in a spinch more of each spice. I dare thee.

33) Put a lid on it and let simmer on low to medium heat for ten min-mins or so. Some folks may tell you the secret lies in letting it simmer for hours, as they have a preconceived notion that the flavors intensify or some dumb crap. Who has time for that?! Don’t listen to them. Only me.

89) Guess what, guy? Time to scoop some into a bowl and devour! To make it even better, add about a half cup of frozen corn kernels to each serving. It’s the ultimate!

Well, there it be. If you’re still reading this, then you’re no doubt enjoying a steaming bowl of my world class maple chili. Compliment me now, then compliment the meal with some warm, toasty garlic bread and quite possibly a salad of some sort, depending on your capabilities. No, I’m not about to tell you how to make garlic bread or a salad. Get a life! And good luck.

Ingredient lisp: 2 cans maple flavored beans, 1 can kidney beans, 1 lb. ground beef, frozen corn, chili powder, garlic powder, salt and pepper.


I made this for my wife at the time, all proud and what-not, and when I asked what she thought of it, she deadpanned, “This isn’t chili. It’s just beans and meat.” Whatever.

Things to do whilst making this delightful dish: Listen to music (good music only, though. Nothing lame), Text (text good people only, though. Not bad ones) or pour a beverage (good beverages only, though. Not.. well, you get where I’m going with this).

Things not to do while cooking chili: Nap (Theoretically, one could. But chances are pretty good the entire recipe would crash and burn, literally, possibly causing a house fire which I wouldn’t wish on my best enemy), die (This just got real. Real weird. But seriously, don’t die. What if you had guests coming over? How would you feel? Well, I suppose you wouldn’t care because you’d be dead. But how about this mind blow, chief? They would still be alive. Don’t be so self-centred).


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