Things Not To Do At Easters

This is pretty self explanatory. I mean it’s all in the title. So, shall we?

1) Do not cook one of your neighbour’s many cats and try to pass it off as a ham. If I had a dollar for every time my parents did this as a way to save a couple bucks when I was a kid, I might have a five spot in a piggy bank somewhere. The meat is nothing like it. I remember once it wasn’t quite dead and every bite we took, it would meow a little. We got through it but you shouldn’t have to.

2) Do not forget to boil the eggs before painting them with the kids, local homeless folks and neighbouring prostitutes. This year we had quite a turn out of happy-go-lucky self-professed egg artistes. In fact, so many shuffled in the door that we had to start turning the remaining bunch away, involving many f-bombs that a visiting pastor felt the need to let loose, as it were. From what I understand, most families dye the eggs and that’s it. We have always done it differently. We paint them, sure, but when they are dry, there is a game we entitled “Eggs-itement” and the gist of it is there are 2 teams with one launcher. The launcher is responsible to launch or throw as many painted, hard boiled eggs at the other teams weakest links or weakest looking players, small children included. In 20 seconds, the winner is the launcher who throws more eggs than the other team. Still with me? But this year, instead of hard, welt leaving eggs, the team members were plastered with raw eggs and let me tell you, it was hilarious.

3)Do not forget about the Easter Bunny or he will literally end you. Treat him with respect, this is all he requires. Believe in him but I cannot stress this last point enough: do NOT look him in the eye. The true Easter Bunny is a cyclops and he gets extremely embarrassed about it.

4) Do not forget to go to church. This is a given. It’s the whole reason Easter exists, to remember what happened many, many moons ago. Even the Easter Bunny attends so what is your flippin’ excuse?

5) Do not eat too little food. Veganatarianisers will tell you differently but pigs and turkeys were put on this earth to dance across your tastebuds and take the plunge down into your needy belly and that’s it. We do them a disservice by not butchering and consuming them. They run around and think, all day long, “Why hasn’t anybody eaten me yet?” No one answers because animals don’t talk, duh. But if they did… look out. But please, eat up. Seconds are non-negotiable. Thirds, well, you might be obese.

And on that note, that about wraps it all up, in a neat and presentable manner. If you would like a light shone on what to actually do at Easters, I can’t help you there because frankly, I don’t have a clue. Not the first one.

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