Licorice Lifestyle and Other Unquotable Quotes.

“Life is like a bag of licorice. You ALWAYS know what you’re going to get. And its sweet. And also chewy.”

“You can only rot for so long before understanding the meaning of intrepidation.”

“There are 3 concepts every person should live by: 1) Never look yourself in the eye in a mirror, 2) Never underestimate your neighbors negative energy and 3) Never take your pets condescending glances as a reason for suicide.”

“If a deaf man can see dead people, can a mute woman paint like the dickens?!”

“You’ve seen me at my worst and you’ve seen me at my mediocre. So I get why you’re showing yourself my door.”

“Life, like buttermilk, isn’t for the faint of heart. One minute you’re upside down in a dream. Twenty minutes later, you’re in the same dream but now standing upright, communicating with an alien. It moves pretty fast.”

“They say the meekest of the mind can mend all broken fences. I say otherwise.”

“Licorice is more than a package of processed corn syrup and red dye number 71. It’s a super candy. And it kills kolon kancer.”

“If death was on sale at Walmart, would you stock up? I’m talking a substantial deal here, people.”

“What if you woke up paralyzed? What’s the one thing you wished you’d have done while you could have? Streaking, yes. Doesn’t have the same effect in a wheelchair.”

“That first whiff of a freshly opened bag of licorice can be summed up in about 14 words or so… nothing quite so unpretentious and delicious has ever been created til the dawn of the red licorice stick.”

“In Canada, orange Tang is not-so-commonly referred to as Portuguese Wine.”

“To me, English is a second language. All I’ve ever known is unintelligible mishmash.”

“It’s been said that showering daily is bad for the hair and the skin. But what about that butt smell?? Isn’t showering at least good for that?”

“The word stress backwards is certs. Buy some today.”

“All life long, it’s a race. As a child, you’ll do anything to be a grown up. And when you’re finally an official grown up, all you want is to be middle aged, desperately. Then when you surpass that milestone, there is such an innate longing, almost lusting, for old age. The ripe, geriatric kind. When this happens, then one can breathe easy, for the most unattainable has now been, you guessed it, attained.”

“Reading many books is good for the brain. It increases blood flow. But where’s the line in the number of books allowable to where I pass out from excessive blood on the brain? Things they don’t teach in the seminary.”

“Bono would be rolling in his grave right now if he had known his classic hit Pride (In the name of love) would be used yearly against him as an entire week filled with parades, spandex and glitter.”

“I sure hope they’re putting ample work into curing the common peanut allergy down at the science lab because I’m getting sick and tired of not being allowed to pack peanut butter sands for the kids lunches. Less time on aids, more time on the peanut.”

“Licorice ice cream? I vote yes.”

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