Sorrow is defined as the feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others. It’s an interior decay. One slowly rots. And dies.
K, not quite. Death is inevitable but let’s assume I have a good forty years to go. But it’s true, inner death can take place this whole time and begin to consume me if I don’t keep a close eye on it. It’s a place I’ve let myself go alot, especially over the past three years.
Feigned happiness mixed with subtle melancholy is a deadly combo. That was my life for two years in marrying the wrong one. If there was ever someone good for me, this situation was not that. And what came with it was the birth of a depression that I didn’t know existed. So when all should be roses and belly laughs, the tragedy of what’s truly going on behind the scenes, as it were, is pure devastation, just waiting to be noticed.
And noticed it was. There’s came a time where it was just too big to be continually swept under the rug. I had to look at it in its ugly mug and…do nothing, ‘cuz I relished in the good and wanted success. I did that for a long time, until it grew so massive that it overshadowed everything. And I still didn’t have the heart to end it. Kudos to her for pulling the plug, albeit way too late. May she rest in pieces.
The only reason I’m speaking of that god awful relationship again is for background on my mental state and I guess foreground on how potential illness and joy can intertwine so well. My most recent girlfriend (and possibly current?!) was/is so good for me. The amount of healing and support she’s brought me in the short time I’ve known her, I can never reciprocate that gift I’ve been given. But then to lose it…I can’t find the words.
I’ve numbed. I’ve let it out. I’ve felt the denial. I’ve expressed the anger. I guess I’m now resenting but what’s the point. Seriously. Is it for nothing? Is this just an exercise in patience? To love someone and to feel that love returned is the most amazing thing in this world. But to lose it? At what cost?
So this is where this boy sits. Cranky, annoyed, unhappy, sad and alone. Game face is on around the kids and when I need it but otherwise it’s Miserable, USA up in here. Faith in tact, as always, but that’s all I have going for me.
As Gandalf once said, “You SHALL NOT pass!”. Well I beg to differ. This, too, shall pass. Sighs.