Deader Than A Doornail-2)

The Doornail family, Ralph, Beverly, Elliot and Bev Jr, sat quietly around the oval kitchen table. Beverly had prepared a giant breakfast fit for the undead and it was cooling rapidly before them. They looked around at the spread, then up at each other without word and without expression.

Bev Jr broke the ice. “Um, so am I absolutely insane or did we all drown to death?”

Elliot weighed in. “I know, right? The water… it, it killed me. I was killed, wasn’t I?”

“Yes, El. The water (finger quotes) ‘killed you'”, Bev Jr taunted as she rolled her eyes.

Ralph cleared his throat then stood up. Beverly immediately quipped, “Honey, why are you standing? Sit. Sit down.”

Ralph sat down then took the hands of his wife on his right and Elliot on his left then closed his eyes. The rest of the family followed suit though with reservation, as they never said a prayer before a meal in their home. Ever.

Ralph cleared his throat again, louder this time. Bev Jr opened one eye and looked at everyone then reshut it. “Oh, Lord, what can I say? Here we are alive as one could imagine, yet you took our lives, every last one of us, yesterday. If this is hell then we appreciate it ’cause it’s just like home.”

Beverly interrupted. “Ralph, what on the green earth are you talking about and why are you praying? Please knock it off.”

Everyone released hands and opened their eyes. Scrambled eggs, bacon and whole wheat toast, all of a tepid temperature, where doled out in large portions and everyone fed, heartily. No one spoke for the next eleven and a half minutes. Only the almost musical notes of forks, knives, chewing, swallowing and belching were heard.

After a minute or two of silence, Elliot spoke. “Dad, I feel different. Like I’m me and everything but… it’s different. Am I vampire?!”

“Ya, El. You’re a vampire. Woo-ooo! But not just any vampire. A water vampire. Do you even know what the process is in becoming a vampire??” Bev Jr was semi livid.

Ralph swallowed hard then choked for a second. “Bev, baby, take it easy on the little guy, huh? And I mean come on… do you think vampires pray?”

“Ralph, I think you’re missing the point so please don’t say anything more on the subject.” Beverly always knew what to say.

Bev Jr had had enough. “Look, everybody, we died. And yet… we’re alive, as if nothing happened.”

Elliot opened his mouth and raised his hand but Bev Jr responded quicker. “Yes, El, we all feel different. It’s not just you. I say we just go on with our regular lives. What else can be said?”

Ralph opened his mouth and Beverly touched his hand. “No, Ralph. Please don’t.”

The next morning at school

Elliot walked down the hallway amidst youth standing by their lockers, whispering and staring at Elliot. One stoner dude stepped in front of him. “Hey man. Didn’t you and your family just die on Saturday?”

Every conversation stopped and the silence that came was never the more pregnant. Elliot looked around at everybody staring at him and his eyes darted to the floor. “Uh, ya. We died. It’s true. But we came back and that’s all there’s to it.”

In that second his glance rose and he saw a bunch of naked, obese girls. He quickly looked at the floor again, then back up to the hallway of people. Most kids were dressed but all the chubby girls seemed to be either completely naked or just in their undies.

With rubber soles squeakin’, Elliot made a dash for the nearest bathroom. Being the sole inhabitant, he looked in the mirror and thought aloud, “What is happening to me? Do I have some sort of xray vision but only for certain people??”

Just then, the principal Mrs Lollymeyer, rounding the scale at a cool three hundred herself, came barging in. “Elliot, what is going on? I thought you were dead!”

All he could see were nude rolls jiggling and swaying and heading straight for him. Just then, everything went black…

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