I used to be in denial over what the future holds for my two daughters.
It first came up three or so years ago when I was married and then, and until recently, I would say things along the lines of everything will be alright or we’ll figure it out. I hated the idea of what was and is in store, plus I hate the thought of losing them.
My daughters were assessed a few weeks ago at the children’s hospital to see where they’re at emotionally, academically and cognitively. Both girls have digressed from their last similar assessment in grade 2 seven years ago. In grade 2, they had an IQ of 67. Now bear in mind, the majority of the population falls into the 50th percentile, meaning right in the middle, between a score of 85 to 115. Anything below is considered under par intelligence and anything over is considered gifted. There are subdivisions in both high and low ends of the spectrum, with 2% of the population under a score of 50, meaning you are basically mentally handicapped or to use yesteryears charmer of a word.. retarded. Lexis and Lindsey currently score a 51.
Before this knowledge, words were tossed around like group home and AISH. Thoughts becoming reality that 2 of your children will never be able to live like the rest of us makes a parent very sad. No concept of how money works equals there won’t be any independent paying of ones bills or buying her groceries or paying the rent. I highly doubt either will ever drive, though both girls show way more interest than their more than capable brother. The things we take for granted.
In my denial, and even today with tears streaming down as I write this, my faith and my hope for them is immeasurable. Who says they can’t drive? Seems an impossible feat but why can’t they study and accomplish something like that? They talk of cute boys and I know inside them, they are just like any other teenage girl but will they truly ever have someone like most of us have or have had? Surely they are capable but they are far from puberty and nearing age 16. I don’t know if they ever will develop enough to have their periods or any of that stuff. The doctors tell us they’ve stopped growing and they’re barely four foot.
It’s beginning to dawn on me that maybe the reason I can’t hold onto a girlfriend or wife is because I am needed elsewhere.. forever to take care of my little angels. My ex wife used to talk excitedly about when the girls turn 18 and would move out. Damn you for ever thinking that, let alone saying it. These two beautiful creations are welcome to stay with dad for however long it takes. I don’t care if they’re 30 and still here.
As much as them living in a group home goes, the notion of course makes me sad and worried but if that’s the pinnacle of independence they get to taste, then I’ll cheer them on when the time comes. And you better believe I’ll be visiting all the time.
They are little girls in teen girls bodies (not really even, more so little girls with a name tag age of 15). And soon they will become little girls who are actual adults, like their brother and like their father. And then what? Only time will tell. Luckily, we have time to plan and make slow adjustments to usher in this new age.
Until then, and always, daddy loves you with all his heart, mind and soul.