It’s been said that happiness isn’t a destination but the journey itself. At this point, I don’t feel either are accurate. Overall, I question if ongoing happiness even exists.
I’ve known brief, fleeting happiness like when my children were born or being in a relationship and connecting on a deep level. But all these things end and I’m generally worse off than before they started.
I don’t consider myself to be a depressed person although what real level of measurement do I have? I find myself to be more of a coaster. Life is going on around me and I’m standing still. I’m rushing from A to Z in accomplishment-ville with the necessary things that need doing each day. I’m not turning over rocks of joy; its just not coming.
I find brief happiness in a day off or a nap, or in a new writing concept. I’ll be made to smile with something one of my kids say. That’s pretty much it. On the flip, I’m a very low stress person so again, I’m in the middle, neither grinning or frowning. I’m just… here.
Appearance wise, trying to grow my hair and having it in a ridiculous, unattractive phase isn’t helping matters at all. And though slowly falling off, my weight is still way higher than I feel comfortable. I don’t know if these are strong contributing factors but factors, nonetheless. Feeling gross about ones self definitely prevents the abundance of joy running free like wild fire on a summers aft.
The lack of friends and people to talk to doesn’t improve things either. Between my kids, mom and a few fleeting “hi, how are you’s” at work, I don’t have enough human interaction and this isn’t something new. My cats and I often converse at length and I know how therapeutic that must be for them.
I’m generally convinced this is just one hecka long phase that will have an end just like it had a beginning. I can honestly say I haven’t always felt this way. It has crept up and inside somehow, like a demon from the depths. The only real difference is that this lack of happy shan’t require an exorcism to set me free, so I’ve got that going for me. There’s always a positive.
Pinpointing this coasting and talking it through reveals that I need to no longer just accept this but get some joy up in me, and soon. I’m not talking about a side snicker over a line in a movie or a momentary giggle off something my daughter or cat said. I want me some ongoing fulfillment and so help me God, I won’t stop til I garner some.
(Next up…. How To Get Happy And Quick – Taking Suggestions Vol 1).