I feel magnanimously and utterly dismantled. I have spent the past twenty years emersing myself in this thing called parenting, fully and completely. Like all men, I had the choice to walk away and consider my own life instead of giving my all to raising my children. But I did make that choice and dedicated my life to it, even studied it in college and made raising children my profession for over 6 years. I thought I was doing a great job rearing some fantastic and well behaved kids. I’ve put in over a hundred thousand hours with them, demonstrating behaviour and teaching obedience. I believed that, until today (save the 20 year old).
Ever since I can remember, my daughters could follow direction and reveled in obedience. Sure, they could never manage a thirty second instruction on a list of five things to accomplish in the next forty five minutes. But given a simple task of one or two things, I don’t recall either girl not following through.
Is it the teenage hormones? Certainly could be a player in this game but surely 80% of the behaviours in the children I’ve raised and loved couldn’t have shifted due to an influx of hormones. And even more mind perplexing..since learning of their recent screening and IQ results, do I look at them as less or at least as less qualified to listen and follow instruction? But if I do, then I would expect less more so, not them just giving less, right? Is it straight defiance? The wanting of their way? I don’t think so but at this point anything is possible.
I hate this position I’m in. I really don’t want to come home from a days work, especially leading into my two days off and the second I stumble inside the house, tasks did not get done or barely started and I am required to lay down harsh discipline, discipline which will fall on deaf ears and the only one reeling through it all is yours truly.
I had to leave. I had to walk away. Everything else has been tried. Strategies out the yin yang. The act of removing myself from their world is often the worst thing I could do, in their eyes. Those that are the closest to them are everything. Their world is each other, brother Jeremy and myself, with a strong co-starring character by the name of Gran. The lack of one of those starring members creates a plethora of anxiety.
Don’t get me wrong. Today’s strategy is not to instill fear and terrifying chaos in their brains. To make them ponder is daddy ever coming home? Nah, I just needed out and the chips shall fall but my strategy was peacing. Pretty simple stuff. And three hours into this outdoor quiet, I know I made a fitting choice.
To be left a list..not only told a few chores to do while I am at work but handed a printed, legible as heck piece of paper stating who needs to do what..and I still get “I forgot”. I even got a lie from Lexis at first, to boot, like a boot to the body after my neck was already slit. Aaaanyway…
It’s so very frustrating feeling like a general expert on parenting for years and then one day I’m folding. A temporary cash out but a cash out nonetheless. It only gets worse. These behaviours are amping up. I even have a social worker of sorts meeting with me Monday’s to discuss new strategies to use with my girls. Something’s gotta give but for now, I’m in my not so disappointed place and I’m loving it. I don’t know of any happy place.