It’s been prit near a handful of times now where I want to write about some goings on in my life but for either out of respect for the person involved or knowing the appropriateness of sharing certain aspects isn’t the smartest, I cannot fully go there. And that annoys me to no end. So instead of working myself through the important therapy that is writing, I shall re-direct my path.
I am no braggart nor do I think highly of myself. In actuality I feel inadequate, unconfident and without any sort of safety net. I preface this posting by expressing this in order to deflate quickly any thoughts of personal pompousness moving forward.
I wake, going through the motions of my day while assuming my girls are up and off to school. We then all arrive home just after 4 o’clock and our night consists of supper, cleanup, lunch assembly, snippets of writing, snippets of exercise then they go to bed and I unwind in front of the tv for a few hours, interlaced with writing ideas and an ongoing job search. I then pass out hard and fast and minus a pee break in the blackness of the night, it all starts abruptly again at 6 am the next morning.
I live my life or maybe my life lives me but regardless I keep my head down and in return I win another day, the next one more monotonous than the last. But alas it is another day and I put it to use. Once in a while and typically a health care worker or a wellness worker will be blown away by how I run my life in accordance to my twin daughters and their never ending medical and mental issues. They say things like “and you do this on your own?!!” and “wow!” and “you are an amazing man!” Let’s be clear..none of this goes to my head. An outsiders view on how I can deal with my extremely needy children and work and whatever else seems like such a mystery to them and I listen to it because it affirms certain things and makes me stop and think okay, maybe my life isn’t the shite I find it to be. Maybe I am actually doing something right. Maybe I am serving some purpose other than just being tired and unhappy. Maybe I should consider pressing forward.
My response is usually “thanks” or “yep it’s not easy” but that’s not true. It comes so naturally, I don’t find it difficult, I just find it normal. But these responses of others also puts things in clearer perspective like the situation I chose not to blog on. So I failed there and it hurts and now it’s awkward and I wish I was invisible and I wish the shame of it all vanished. Then things get clear and in this other much more important realm I am everything to two beautiful angels that have been entrusted to me by God himself.
The mind is a terrible thing to taste. Thoughts become things and not always what you expect or what you can control. I am, unfortunately, still at war with myself and there are casualties and if you’re reading this I apologize again.
In the grand scheme of things, I am who I am and am blessed beyond measure. I could go years coasting but I am very grateful for those pit stop moments when I’m either reprimanded for a poor decision or I am applauded for a right one. Remind me I’m alive please because I often forget.