Welcome To My Pain. How May I Hurt You Today?

Had a brief interaction today with someone I’ve known for a while. They have their own backstory and the jist of us was typically me turning her down. She had a lot of issues and frankly I didn’t need or want that stuff in my life. Fast forward to today and I reach out and say hello. Her response is her life has changed for the better because she has met someone.

My first response? Knock it down and tear it apart. I mean even I know that true happiness comes from within. Being in a new relationship gives you that elation, that happy feeling but when it ends you’re back to square one with your miserable mug staring you in the face. Just ask my ex.

The point is that I immediately felt annoyed that she was happy and I was not. Why her and why not me? My angered reaction actually scared me a lot. I am so far off of where I should be in my own personal growth. How did I get here? How do I find my way back?

Luckily I can assure myself I’m not that far gone. Going through the ringer time and time again has sharpened and strengthened me. Being relatively single by relative choice has also been relatively helpful this past near two years of personal acceptance and exploration of who I am. For the record my head’s still not on straight nor am I happy. But! I am not in the loony bin (pre-dollar store reference to being insane).

This is why five minutes of Tony Robbins has my hot little tears streaming. Five minutes listening to Steven Furtick has me not only bawling but reassessing e’rthing. If you have one wise bone in your body and you speak to me (not over me or at me, thanks..) I will be so grateful.

I need guidance, obvs. I don’t need help in finding keys to unlock life’s doors. I don’t need guidance in what tools I need to get from my stuck point A to point B. What I need is wisdom in is how these items relate to my life and when to use them. In prayer the other morning, I found myself asking for doors and windows to be opened. Not often but this time, the answer was revealed instantly. “The doors are already wide open. It’s up to you to step through them”. Utter mind blow. But this is where I lack.

And why is that? Is it fear? Do I not want change? Most days I’m desperate for change! My goodness, my life is crazy to any outsider but to me its monotony is really.. boring! So theoretically change is welcome. But disruption? Disruption hurts. Disruption is different then change because it causes an imbalance for the sake of shaking shite up. Change causes imbalance sure, but with the intent to find a new balance.

And on top of it all, it’s less than two weeks until Christmas and I am not feeling any semblance of the Christmas spirit! But this time I realize why and it’s because I’ve been so locked in my head. ‘Why is my daughter still (then) in the hospital?! Why does this amazing person not want to date me!? Why can’t I get on the fat loss train?! Why are they happy!!?’

I need to serve and give. Anything. Maybe everything. I need to listen for the sake of listening. I need to pay for your lunch. I need to be more patient. I need to be around those of similar actions, with genuine hearts. Not the cure but at least steps in the direction I am to be in.

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