Dig In.

I’m convinced the world is divided into two categories: those who will scratch my back and those who will not. I have an itchy back. There, I said it. Typically in winter which makes sense but other times too. Most often this is a solo task involving either a hair brush or whatever is lying around or my favorite which are wall corners. Not much comes close to the relief found in a nice, deep back scratch. But just like other solitary jobs, it’s much much more satisfying with someone else’s fingernails and preferably feminine. Pull up a chair and stay awhile.

A few months ago I asked a co-worker if she would scratch my back. In the name of total innocence surely I thought she would but I guess it’s more so a girlfriend move. Her reaction was as though I asked her to french me for a few. Utter disgust. So I learned a lesson that day: don’t ask a non-girlfriend or non-family member to do it. That’s the most common way sti’s are spread. And in her mind, rumors. And we all know that rumors equal tumors. Look it up.

So as you can dang well see my options are quite limited. If I have one of my daughters do it the scratching motion is quite dull and doesn’t satisfy. My son doesn’t live at home nor does my mother though I would never be so bold as to ask either of them. That leaves my cats, Nigel and Whitney. I feel like it’s a moot point to even ask them so here I am, flying solo in the realm of the itchy back. Not a place I thought I’d ever find myself.

I once dated a girl who would almost voluntarily scratch moi without me even requesting such a thing. I think that’s when my addiction began to take wings. Darn you for opening the door to such unquenchable desires (fist in the air!)! But God bless you for showing me the way, though the way is sheer torture. She was a kind hearted gal, the kind you bring home to your mutha. I did, in fact, do that although it was at a mall, and shortly after we parted ways, never to be scratched again. True story.

I guess what I’m trying to get at most is that we only have one life. People say we should make the best of it and with that I cannot agree. What we need to be doing with our lives are satisfying back scratch longings to the absolute best of our abilities. Aligning with this process equals either buying or building the proper tools to always get the job done and second fold one must find a life mate that no matter who or how they are, above all else they are willing and decent back scratchers. Nothing matters more.