Covid-19:Basins Of Whiskey.

After the laughter wears off the fact remains: this Coronavirus Covid 19 is a pain in my a-s-s. The world is changing rapidly because of it. It’s indeed something out of a movie (#contagion.. awesome flick). Some are terrified and the rest of us are pretty chill though each day with more updates like Tom and Rita having it and now that witch queen Mrs Trudeau as well, it adds some reality to the bs spun by the media. This, for some, will be a step by step guide in surviving this thing and surviving it in style.

If you see butt wipe hoarders you must belittle them if not throw down fists.

This outbreak is not a drill and equally this recommendation is most definitely a direct order. After the mind blow wears off by the thought of there are many people living amongst us (could be your neighbor!) that after learning about covid-19 their first response wasn’t “Oh my goodness, I must protect my children”. It also wasn’t “Docta! Docta! Give me the facts!” Instead these individuals thought “I need at least 500 rolls of toilet paper and I will kill you if you stand in my way!” If you come across one of these aliens stop them and question their sanity between hoots of hysterical laughter. If they refuse to put their cart loads back then you have my permission to throw canned goods at them as hard as you can, pun intended.

Hand sanitizer isn’t what you think it is.

In my 44 years on planet Earf I have not once purchased a solitary bottle of hand sanitizer. Now it’s all I want. I dream about it. I used to have romantic thoughts about women. Now those heady thoughts are of santization. Every vendor is out and the suppliers seem to be supply-less so we’ve resorted to washing our hands in basins of room temperature whiskey. From where I stand it kills 77% of all bacteria and it leaves a nice oaky scent that can only uplift in dire days like these. The kids carry travel size pump bottles of sambuca and I’ve actually been toying with the notion of us bathing in gin and tonic. That toe sliver you used to complain about can now act as a straw.

Working from home never made more sense.

I seem to do this once or so a week anyway so doing it full-time during a pandemic such as this is a viable option. And the beauty is anyone can do it. If you’re making $15 an hour at McDonald’s or $15.50 at an organics store you can still work at home. It’s called pretending. Get a bunch of stuffed animals or barbies and set them up in various locations around the house. You can practice taking their orders, clean up their garbage, bring them pretend cases of kombucha and even use your cell phone as a make believe PA and do a page to another co-worker. This is just the tip of the organic iceberg lettuce; there are many more ways to make your living at home and avoid the apocalypse.

Riding this thing out until the next man made scare.

Would it suprise you to find out that this covid 19 has been growing in some nerdy laboratory near the Gulf of Mexico for years and years and has recently been unleashed into the public in a small Chinese suburb? Either way most of us will survive this but it makes me think. Election year? Surely. 2020? Heck ya it is. And so what if it were? Once the hype dies down aka somebody murders the “news broadcasters” then just maybe we can look back and say what the bleep was all that panic about? Have some panache or even pancakes but drop the panic, you hear me, you media mother effers?

Sadly this won’t be disappearing any time soon. It will spread world wide and it will happen fast. But are we all gonna die? Nah, just a few old immune compromised folks. The rest of us can wash our hands and fight another day. And so what if you get it tomorrow or I find it in my Golden Grahams Sunday morning? We stay home on a 14 day staycation and do all the things you’ve wanted to do around the house for years. Not really a death sentence after all now is it? Cheers ‘n fist bumps.

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