Bury Me To Give Them Life. (Happy 44).

My feet are absolutely throbbing; this plantar fasciitis is killing me. I was in a foul mood at work and it’s carried over to tonight. My Lexis has had a nosebleed for 2 hours now and I am so annoyed with the thought of taking her to the hospital. The world is shut down due to a sissy virus and the world can frankly kiss my arse. This is a drive off a cliff kind of moment. Oh and in 3 hours it’s my birthday.

I gave this posting some consideration for a couple days. I wanted it birthday themed and I wanted it uplifting. Then I checked my list of cons ten minutes ago and realized A) there’s nothing uplifting here and B) if I have nothing good to say then I should shut my mouth. But you know what? It’s time like these where we are are most raw and dare I say most alive. Like sun and the moon, and like good and evil, if I’m drawn to death then there must be much light casting down upon me at this very moment though I can’t see it.

Holed up in a short bath, I’ve temporarily escaped the impending gushing nosebleed and the inevitable run to the hospital where they will keep her and then God knows what happens to our lives the next few days. Why is it so often? Why us? Why her? Tearful questions I’ve screamed at my God a hundred times. Yet He has entrusted me with these girls, these 2 most precious beams of light shining blindingly bright amidst my darkness.

This unique selfishness I truly hate. This poor girl (without a voice for 3 days) has massive amounts of blood pouring from her nose.. she will be the one spending the night alone hooked up to God knows what and I’m walking around swearing and so worked up inside that it’s ruining MY night? This stuff nobody should have to deal with. And just the aloneness of it all though the 3 of us are together. Death, my bride who lays in wait.

Will they one day rule the world? Will they become real life princesses, the title bought with all the sorrow and a life time of sickness? If I push them up high enough and in the process bury myself in the dust and earth, will they be whole? Have my sins rained down this curse upon them? Why should they bleed when I have so much to give? Where is their chance? Where is their life?

I must decide. The bleed is totalling 3 hours now. The dread of packing her up, the dread of the waiting not to mention the dread of covid-19 lurking in the ER, it has to be there. I’m tired. I am alone. I must decide and into another year I go.

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