Dating Tips Amidst The Apocalypse.

Firstly to be clear, I’m not actively dating during this bloody covid virus but if I was can you imagine the struggles one would face? It’s pretty comical. For example the question “Do you wanna go out with me” has no more meaning. There is no going out. Everything is closed unless you wanna spend a few solid hours chilling at a liquor store. If you walk the aisles long enough some deep, meaningful conversation may bubble to the service. Hanging at the grocery store has an even bigger perimeter so that could be a better date. Or what about making it to second base on date number two at the closest emergency room? All real buzz killers. There’s no more grabbing coffee, mini-golf runs or dinner and a movie. We all took it for granted.

So what do you do? You have two options for dates during this dress rehearsal apocalypse. A) You can go outside for a walk. Decent but gets kinda old fast. Or B) stay in and have sex. I don’t need to fill in many blanks with this one. Because there is virtually no going out, staying in is pretty much thee option. And whatever you choose to do whether it’s playing board games, watching movies or simply conversing it all leads to one thing and why shouldn’t it. This is 2020 dating, people. Coming the week of Christmas 2020.. congratulations! It’s a whatever. For all the people that lost their lives during this tragic and ridiculous outbreak, a new baby will take its first of many breaths. This is fact.

When things get a bit more serious and the time comes to meet each others parents this can become problematic. Seems like the general population is on board with the art of social distancing so having your new gfs mom and step-dad over for upside down quinoa cakes might not go over so well. You could do Facebook chat but the step-dad despises Facebook so that’s a no. You could choose to meet in a park for a picnic with two separate picnic tables 6 feet apart. It is sort of still winter so it’ll have to be brief, possibly the briefest “Hi, I’m in love with your daughter and no I don’t have covid (cough cough.. under breath) though I do have hiv but it’s under control.” Hoots and hollers later, job well done, son.

I guess bottom line is listen to the voices that control you and stay the flip home. Folks, this is fear mongering at its best but the bs ins and outs of this virus isn’t the topic of my day. A stupid attempt at mid grade humor is what’s on this guys mind at the moment hence me spewing forth such integral guidance on an idea surrounded by lunacy.

Yes, us single people are still yearning for a partner and are often throbbing vessels of emptiness. But the day will come when us humans poke our heads out into the sunlight not unlike the prairie dawgy. And when that unholy corona virus is gone for good then, by all means, ask that girl out. And while you’re out and about and her hand is in yours, forget about everything I ever said and enjoy your day.

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