The Bathematician.

Ever been the climax of an ongoing joke that does no real long term personal damage? Whenever I mention taking a bath my kids say something to the tune of “How are you going to fit in there?”. The sass is watered down by the legitimate curiousity of how I physically can accomplish such a feat. The answer, to them, is as complicated as me curing covid or healing their immune systems with an eye of newt. In reality it isn’t all that tricky but if you wanna lend an ear I’ll be happy to walk you through it.

My name is Kris and I am a human man. I’m 6’4 in height and I weigh in at just over two hundred and fifty pounds and that’s dry. I do routinely have to bend in the shower to catch the spray. If I’m in an airplane lavatory I have an incredibly trying time though I assume most folks do, too. Driving a smart car is not up my alley and neither is break dancing. In that vein, I have no interest in either regardless of my gigantism.

The amount of drawbacks is mere nothingness compared to the plethora of pros I face daily in having me utilize my size beyond adequately. My reach is outstanding. My depth is above and beyond. The girth of who I am is way thicker than a snicker. Oh, and I can get anywhere faster than you, just saying. #alllegs.

So back to this business of bathing. Yes, I barely fit in the typical tub, it’s true. I, one day, hope to remedy this situation by living somewhere with a giant jacuzzi style bath tub. But for now it’s my lower half that reaps the indulgence that is a hot bath. I’ve tried slipping down to emerse the top half of moi but legs splayed by the faucet.. it’s no pretty photo op, let’s just say.

There’s nothing wrong with sitting in a bath or so I’ve convinced myself. A person can enjoy the soak and not fall asleep though I have and will again. It allows one to text or write while emersed as well. Just because I can’t lay down in there doesn’t make me less of a man. If anything it makes me more.

The bottom line is simple. We sent someone to the moon. We’ve turned water into whisky. Big people will not be turned away from the bathing ritual, it simply will not be tolerated. Let it be painted on crosswalks and let it be shouted from the rooftops. Put it on the cover of Time magazine because we aren’t going away. #bigandnude.

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