I’ve been hit with a lot of self-doubt this week, almost at a debilitating level. Questions of self-worth with undesirable answers. These vultures of doom circled me to the point of near surrender, as though my answer to their jeers was actually to be in agreement. I felt low, alone, tortured and compliant. Subdued and beaten!
Lie #1-I am not a writer.
It was around this time and this month 6 years ago that I had looked myself in the mirror and began convincing myself that I was a writer. I felt I always was but it lay dormant in me as far as tackling any real projects or putting myself out there. Ever since I have been writing and educating on the process, the marketing side of things and anything to do with creating via the written word. I have written four hundred and fifty some odd blog postings. I wrote five episodes of a sitcom then later three of another potential tv series. I’ve written a novella and it’s for sale on kindle. I have other projects I’ve yet to complete including a humor cookbook and a dramatic movie screenplay.
I used to feel these things were accomplishments and I was hungry to do more. Then suddenly I’m hit with these jagged realizations that if I’m really a writer then all politicians are squeaky clean individuals. I haven’t gotten anywhere. My following isn’t any bigger than it was six years ago. I procrastinate more than I write (the last year or so any way). I want the world to see my stuff and nobody is seeing it. Nobody is sharing it. My so called talent is not only not in demand but what business do I have telling myself that I’m this writer guy??
Lie #2-I am stuck.
From 2015 to 2017 ish I packed on about fifty pounds and minus dropping a few I still carry it. I am stuck being out of shape and over weight. And with it comes shame, minimal self-confidence and just a daily beaten down way of thinking. I have the knowledge and I have the tools to climb out of this mess but I remain trapped. I wake up to it and I go to sleep with it. There are no more excuses, only the constant drone of letting myself down. Swimming in circles so long, I’m beginning to drown.
Lie #3-I can’t let it go.
I pride myself on writing naked and no, I don’t mean literally. Transparent. Truthfully. But I refuse to lay all my cards on the table as well so, as will be the case here, I hover sometimes. Certain behaviors that have become mere bad habits keep me caged and I don’t like it. I find pleasure in these habits and that version of dopamine is what has me returning to them. Beyond any sane reasoning, I should walk away, it’s a simple equation of pros versus cons with the cons a lengthy list. For me to keep myself on this hamster wheel is sheer absurdity yet I remain boxed in. It’s a mindset destined to be broken but to this point the chains are thick and heavy.
Last week all of this caught up to me and broke me down hard. My faith affords me a great deal of hope in the face of any adversity but for maybe the first time I felt that hope unavailable. I let these lies echo in my ears, each repeated word and thought like a shovelful of dirt on my decomposing corpse. I felt it was truth that I previously rejected. Now was the time to accept some hard truths and to be a man and surrender instead of wearing these badges blindly, pretending to be someone I’m not.
One starts to wallow in the stream of shame and detachment. In a sick way it feels good, the whole misery loves company motif. You fall into that groove in the road and you’re like this is where I belong so please just drive over me. THEN YOU GIVE YOUR HEAD A SHAKE, YOU DUST YOUR ASS OFF AND YOU REBUKE THOSE UNTRUTHS AS QUICK AS YOU CAN. Nobody is watching and no one is caring, only you and that’s the only one who matters. I woke up and spat in the face of those that whispered the lies to me. Now is the time to reinvent and to stand never stronger in what I’ve chosen as my truth for my life. And you can do it, too.
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