I feel like I have an internal battle I need to attend to but I don’t have a clue of it’s origin or the route I’m to take. I’m not pleased with myself so clearly adjustments need to be made. I’m unhappy, unmotivated and quite ready for change though disturbing as it can be. As I plumb the depths of my soul I’m hoping to not come up empty handed. There’s something gumming up my works and I’m needing some vibrant light to shine on it.

As of today I am distancing myself from everything that unnerves my focus. The plan is to stay completely away from dating sites/engaging women, self-love, alcohol and fast/junk food. The second part of the plan is to do my best to avoid or at least cut back on social media and TV. Instead of wasting time perusing Instagram or Facebook I will only be on to promote the next blog posting.

Though I cannot get back the time wasted I can at least begin to now utilize my time more diligently. I feel like it’s all about stripping away the distraction. What’s underneath that I’m yearning to unearth? Exactly. Maybe there’s nothing to find. Maybe I just need to unclutter my brain in order to live a better life. Maybe this cleansing is just a reboot, not a complete dismantle and rebuild.

Is it the changing of seasons? Is it my disgust with being extra flabby still? Is it me needing clarity and focus in all areas of my life? Is it me sick of feeling stuck? Do I want to live longer and better? All the above, obvs. I not only need out but I want a new in.

As a young lad in Sunday school I was taught that Jesus can make me white as snow, that grande metaphor for taking the mess I’ve made and allowing me a fresh start. To be clean. To be new. I like to naively picture that once that takes place then I am permanently cleansed and refreshed and forgiven. In reality within two minutes from now I’m going to do something to tarnish my internal appearance. That new state will quickly fade and that is disappointing.

Alas, change comes from within. Reprogramming ones mind takes time and discipline, and I have started down that winding road today. Before writing this I considered how empty words can be. I maybe should have gotten this process down pat before reporting on it as that would cut out the probability of procrastination. But so be it. I am on course. Will you join me?

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