Purposeful Fiascos.

I’m heading into day five of what I am calling my “deprivation of anything fun or pleasurable to my flesh and blood” period. As discussed in my prior posting I have removed myself from any addictive faculties and rewards in an attempt to gain clarity and possibly rediscover myself on any level possible. Simply stated.. I want change. Refreshed and enlightened change, and I’m elbow deep already.

That first step may have been the hardest part, fingers crossed. Walking away from habits and behaviours that have been ingrained in the fabric of who I’ve become is not an easy movement. I mean we’re talking multiple addictions here, folks. Cold turkish delight minus the delightful factor. Some could say I’m destined to fail and others, like myself, could say it’s crazy enough to actually work.

That’s the word encapsulating this whole thing: work. I’m finding that I’m constantly reminding myself to avoid this and watch what I’m doing or thinking. My will power is soaring on levels I didn’t think imaginable. You remember those drug commercials from yesteryear saying “just say no”? That. That’s what I’m doing. I’m not even thinking yes. It’s all a bunch of no’s, yo.

My current stage of this life changing maze I’m in is all about catching up on sleep, if that were really such a thing. For a guy whose been functioning on a handful of hours of sleep a night (and not good sleep) for several years you can see how I may wanna play catch up. Another needed catch up is hydration. Typically I’ll drink minimal fluids during the day then in the evening be super thirsty, go figure. Another constant reminder is to drown myself in water all day, e’r day. Possibly the best thing a person can do for themselves.

Of course we have our hiccups as I did today. My daughter had another couple bouts of lengthy nose bleeds, the second one resulting in a trip to the hospital and missed work. In times of unexpected stress like this the temptation to fall back into old ways becomes strong. The “I deserve a nice escape/release” thoughts begin to trigger lusts that I’m trying to avoid and the struggle doubles. A repetitious mantra falls from my lips. I will not fail. I will not fail.

So this guy presses on. And if I take a step back? It won’t throw the whole thing off. I’ve taken at least 10 steps forward over these four days so number wise I’m winning. I’ve given my failures to the big guy in the sky. I will no longer define myself as a string of purposeful fiascos. Betterment is at hand. Kiss me, success. It’s you I court now.

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