Fears Embrace (The Terror Chair).

Ever makes plans that somehow elude reality, however temporary it may be, only to get a swift kick to the chin reminding you that control is not always in your hands? I just did. We just did. My whole little family.

‘Twas on our roster to pack up the family miniature van and head down the open road tomorrow morning for two sweaty chill filled days at Fairmont hot springs. A classic getaway plan had been hatched pre-hospitalization of Lexis Ivy and now it would have been carried out.

Now, I stand firm on my executory decision here but not without flaky waiver. Four days prior life had gotten real good. Too cool for covid kinda good. Lex was free from the oppression of the hospice and everyone was coasting on mood summertime. Then 10:01 ish pm rolls around last night and Lexi has a nosebleed. The first in, I don’t know, 2 weeks? It’s a teeny drip and it lasts maybe 90 seconds.

At this point my guard goes from flat on the ground to on-call mode. Not yet up but no longer off radar. I go about my nightly business and she returns back to the cool of the basement with her sister. About 30 minutes elapses and she comes up with dried blood on her nose. She apparently had another small incidence and was now peeing then going to bed.

I remind her to wake me if the bleeds worsen before we say goodnight and immediately I’m back in that terror chair with my guard back up on high alert. It’s my least favorite place to be. You don’t know if sleep will be postponed as you made need to go back to the ER. You don’t really know how to console your bleeding daughter more than providing fresh tissue and assuring her it should be over soon. What does tonight bring? Tomorrow? It puts me right back in that helpless spot and it scares the shite out of me.

A bit more time goes by and I turn in, unaware what events may or may not unfold before the dawn. And it’s in these dicey moments that I’m faced with potentially pulling the plug on our 2 day mini-vacay. Believe me.. I’m not one to walk on egg shells and put everything on hold over a what if but those thoughts did invade.

And really she’s just fresh out of unit 2. Maybe days at and in the pool will cause greater bleeds. Maybe we’re driving and are faced with a doozy. What if.. what if..? I don’t think I need to take that chance, at least not now. I want her out and thriving, not back on the unit for another 5 week stay. So what did I do? I pulled the intenary aka the plug.

Hey, we still have 4 days of camping to look forward to this week and it’s a hop, skip and a dump away from the children’s hospital so that round, I win. And bonus points.. being on wait lists has its privileges. Instead of Banff bound, tomorrow we are heading to Red Deer for Lexis’s first naturopath visit. We’ll also throw in a few hours at Sylvan Lake amidst the 31 degree temps. So all in all, 2.5 points for the Bobosky crew. Not bad for a smug little bunch.

For now the fear has subsided and I am able to enjoy the sweltering weather. It’s those danged hidden waves that with no seconds warning come crashing down upon us that I could really do without. I don’t need reminders of the terrors of hospital incarcerations. I just need ongoing days of health and happiness. Is it really too much to ask?

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