I’m not the kind of guy to take vacations. Due to my daughter’s health my vacay days get swallowed quick at work and earning as little as I do I wouldn’t feel deserving of time off any way. Every August I tell myself “next year” but the procrastination snowballs and time away just isn’t a thing.
Sometimes things out of our control make way for the stuff that is sorely needed. When Lexis was hospitalized this time around I did what I could do to stay working. Sure, I looked at options of taking time off but again I dismissed it as though it would be a selfish move and not for me. As she got worse and things got more real the decision to go on a medical leave, as a single parent, became the only option.
Days turned into weeks and each day, like a shift at the salt mines, was a blur of getting to the hospital and staying all day then finding time with Lindsey and taking care of myself before the next day repeats itself. A couple weeks in my best friend asked how I was enjoying my time off work. I was sorry to announce there was no enjoyment; I wasn’t on a beach in Cancun. I wasn’t even chillaxing in a classic staycation. Knowing that I didn’t have to somehow fit work in was a relief, for sure, but I wasn’t really taking time off of life.
Fast forward nearly two weeks after Lexis’s discharge and here I am walking around Camp Harmattan on a hot summer Friday in late July. And whether it’s the air, the magic of being on these grounds or just simple snap realization one thing became abundantly clear: I am on vacation and it feels damn good. I don’t need to justify it or myself. I can enjoy some time away from work just like the next girl and you know what? It’s okay. It’s a good thing and I’ve needed it badly.
Those thoughts freed me like no other time I can remember. I’ve dissalowed myself in the past but moving forward I shan’t be so ridiculous. My work/life balance has been an insane one with the scales always tipping to work and outside of the office more so. Much like my life, the desire for balance has been right up there with my hunger for finding the cure to syphilis. I haven’t cared less but maybe my misguided psyche would find more orderly peace if I actually tried to put my life in a greater, tighter balance. It couldn’t hurt.
With a healthy household, gorgeous summer weather and time on my hands I shall step lively and embrace these rare treats. A time of healing is in order. I’ve been out of whack for who knows how long. I’ve pulled the pin and whether all deflates or the grenade goes off, change is inevitable. Inward and outward, respectively.