Part of my current journey has been reading more and listening to others that know more than I. Learning new techniques like silencing the negative inner voice and speaking kindly to myself in its place has been huge as well. We are all made in perfection so should I be trashing myself with a constant onslaught of negativity and self-loathing? Baby steps away from this. Many, fast baby steps.
Out of the four categories this one I struggle with the most as far as answers and therefore my growth is limited. As previously stated overall I feel in touch with my emotions. I’m someone who cries appropriately but I’m not over here bawling at anything and everything. I also don’t feel excessively blocked or drained as I stated I thought I did before. That being said some very traumatic things have happened in my life that have helped shape me into who I am, sure. But in retrospect I may not have allowed myself to feel the full extent of the painful emotion when it was happening. Here come a couple examples.
When my dad died eighteen years ago some tears were shed but overall I remember the experience to be more numbing than anything. After getting off the phone with my sister who bore the news my first instinct was to get drunk in his honor or for him, as though it was a loving act. It was a numbing act. I was already numb to him. Not seeing someone in your family for eight years by choice has an immobilizing effect.
My second divorce was a lot more catastrophic to me than I ever let on. To others and especially to myself. On one hand her departure felt amazing. Freeing. The weight of the world had been lifted. But in every other sense there was an explosion of monumental failure and regret. A tremendous wall of shame hit me and I wasn’t without fault. I blamed alot of the fallout on her but my participation in the failure of the marriage made me just as guilty.
There are more horror stories, in fact, worse ones but I’ll stop there. I feel that counseling is my best chance at emotional healing. I will make the call tomorrow.
As far as my psychology goes I feel I’m on steady ground. I’m not the greatest at relationships but at least I’m willing to put in the work, learn and go the distance. Again, stuff to discuss with a good counselor. I owe it to myself.
I realize everything cannot be fixed at once. Procrastination has worn out its welcome and though there is no end in sight, at least my feet are walking down the path to a better me in every way possible.