I’ve Got The Power.

There is power in whatever you supply ammunition to. Do you believe that? Your addiction. Your television. Your phone. Emotional hurt. Non-stop happiness. Your bank account. Your body. Your soul. I could literally name anything here and it would be true. Why wouldn’t it?

There’s someone I see daily that I used to be closer with. Just a fraction, nothing major but they’ve chosen to ignore me for the most part. This is their prerogative. It’s what they want and I’m left feeling rejected and hurt. More so was as I have been working on moving past such foolishness all summer. They’ve done nothing wrong yet I give them the power to crush me; to make me feel unwanted. I do that to myself. I dug that hole. Me. No one else.

When I was caught up in the throes of alcohol addiction I would fight the urge nightly. It became this big, built up thing that I must somehow dismantle and be the victor over. It was my nemesis and I was so weak in its clutches, kicking and screaming yet returning the embrace. It didn’t grow to be this menacing life sucking thing. I fueled it. I built it up. I called it’s name then tried to walk away. It took me forever to see it for what it actually was. It was my creation and as easily as I built it I had the power to destroy it. I was merely on the wrong team.

Due to unfortunate events involving nothing more than poor life choices and me living in the wake of them, I have had a tough time loving myself. It’s like a hole in my soul. Lost love, addiction, weight gain, rejection and aloneness were among my top offenders. A constant lack of good sleep didn’t help matters neither. My reflection and I don’t like eye contact or at least I don’t. It’s an imbalance like I’ve never known before. I was always a self-confident individual with my head high or at least not facing down.

So how do you get out of these slippery funks? How does one reverse such self-pitying misfortune? To re-direct oneself to higher ground is typically just as easy as growing your own worst nightmare. This is fact. Be willing to change then become the change. Sounds harder than easy, maybe? It’s not.

I spent over a year growing an attachment to someone who could care less about me. The fix? When thoughts of them arise remember the hurt. Keep it forefront. Similar to the man wanting to keep his kid from eating at McDonald’s. His fix? Every time they drive by a Mcds the dad slaps the son as hard as he can so that he identifies the restaurant with blinding pain. Extreme and also ridiculous but this is my point.

I spent literal decades dancing with the devil in the bottle. The past handful of years was the worst of it but it’s been a long term fixture and a very unwelcome welcome one. The fix? Through reading I’ve changed my mindset and the way I see that old friend of mine, the 80 proof poison one. Education and follow through. Learn the change then I became the change. The basis of walking away from addiction, in my mind anyway, is a simple thing but the vigilance of staying on that path is the hard part.

What are you currently giving power to that shouldn’t have any? What have you built up that now stands in your way? You aren’t alone. Help is truly everywhere. Unfortunately these battles are internal and require a soldier that has seen some action. You are that soldier. What hasn’t killed you, right? Swing that sword again. And again. And again.

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