Everything Goes Black.

I feel myself slipping away, as though sucked down into a spiraling vortex of depression. I feel like a ghost caught between worlds and enshrouded in shame, with no one to haunt. I feel like sleep is all I want to do and if I never wake that is fine. I have no one to talk to so this medium will have to do.

People say suicide is taking the easy way out but I consider it to be quite the opposite. Sure, once it’s done then that’s it. No more anything. But the act of pulling that trigger or gunning that engine hurtling off a cliff or kicking out that ladder while the noose tightens.. that would take guts. Alot of guts. I don’t have that in me.

Not that I couldn’t cause death, just not on myself. Somebody harms my daughter horribly I’d have no problem shooting or stabbing them. I would do anything to protect those I love, even murder. But I could never insert a blade into my wrists and pull upward, and never twice. Though fully capable as a human being I just can’t see it as an option.

I actually reached out for help today and that’s not easy for me to do. And what did I get in return? Told that now isn’t a good time and maybe later this week. No joke. Sort of like calling 911 and them relaying that message.

Me: My house is on fire! Help: Maybe in a couple days someone can look into that. Me: Someone is inside my house! Help: We’re a little busy now, bye. Me: I’m at the end of my rope, please help! Help: There’s no one here to help so try back later or maybe we’ll get back to you, just not sure when.

Our house and every one in it will be ash by then. Everything will be stolen by then and I will be dead by then. Quite often in these moments there is no second reach out. That door slammed in your face is a metaphor for your entire existence. That dead air on the other end means you are completely and utterly alone, and no one is coming to save you. No one cares and no one is listening to you.

Today is one day of well over ten thousand that I’ve lived. Tomorrow is a fresh day, possibly nothing like today. Though very alone, I have two depending on me to come home and provide for and to care for and that is what I’ve got. I gave up myself already for them decades ago. I can’t do it again. The sun will rise and the day will commence and I will do it all over again because this is how it goes.

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