Most days I struggle with something very addictive. Lately I feel so overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do. The anxiety grows by the day as does my sadness. Sometimes I think I need to be taken away and that’s the only chance I have. Other days I ask myself am I really that weak that I can’t just do it on my own? I’m scared of the answer because it seems that I know the truth.
How is it that I got here? How could I have possibly dug a hole so deep that when I try to climb out it buries me deeper? I’ve lied to so many people that I beat this years ago. I’ve lied to my daughters in teaching them I walked away from these things long ago. I lie to myself multiple times every day, telling myself I’m not doing it and then I fail.
I can’t stand myself. My thoughts are skewed and blurred. I’m overweight and unattractive. I have high blood pressure, back pain and plantar fasciitis because of this addiction. I make poor choices. I’m a walking zombie. My mental health is hurting. My spiritual life is at an all time low. I have basically no friends. I’ve become my worst nightmare.
Crazy thing is I have all the answers. I know what moves to make. I’m typically in the gym more days in a week than not. I used to watch what I ate. I felt good about myself. I had confidence. I have the road map to a life lived well, if only I could get out of this slippery pit.
If I don’t make an effort then it doesn’t hurt so much. I am so taxed because I choose to fight this but at what cost? I’m losing. What am I escaping to begin with? I don’t have the slightest clue. Maybe that’s why I can’t get off this ride. If I don’t know why it started how do I make it end?
It’s bubbling up so much. Nothing good is grown in the dark. Maybe enough light shone on this and it can help melt away my shame and my struggle. I don’t want to do this anymore, to dance with regret and to not feel any victory. I don’t want to lose the battle internally. I don’t know why my organs still function properly. I don’t want to lose everything to this. I have to win.