It is a very peculiar sensation to be doused in such a constant sadness day in, day out. I remember being happy. I remember walking around the house singing and clapping, unaware and without care. I remember coming to work excited and happy to interact. This is the last happiness I can recall. Now I’m just on this dingy in the middle of a torrential downpour all alone in the middle of the ocean.
I don’t want pity. I’m just documenting my life through written word as I have for the past six years. As I struggle with the things I struggle with, the light seems to keep fading. If I put in the effort and fail I’m exhausted. If I tell myself today I won’t battle I still fail and beat myself up over it. Either way I’m my own punching bag.
The nausea is starting to ramp up. I honestly don’t know how I haven’t gotten into car accidents on a daily basis for my alert meter sitting at around a negative 2. This waterslide of depression, minus the waterpark fun, has me spiraling downward faster and faster. As I plummet toward the deep water it’s either sink or swim, and I lost my water wings years ago.
There have been a few lifeguards that have beckoned for my attention this past week, reaching out their Hasselhoffian detergent bottle floaty. They have been lights in my foggy darkness. Is that all I need? Human interaction? No one can save me from myself, I get that. But it certainly doesn’t hurt to be able to have ears listening and genuinely caring. Gives me a welcome nudge.
I really needn’t numb myself anymore. I shouldn’t willfully ingest toxic poisons. I don’t need to push myself to stay conscious by trying to make myself unconscious. None of it makes sense but this is the sheer lunacy of addiction. Like a hamster on a treadmill going nowhere (though I guess she’s at least burning calories).
So I remain at the impasse. I have a masters degree in “how to lick this thing 101” but the knowledge remains at the back of my cerebral cortex as I douse the rest of my brain in dangerous chemicals. Not the smartest move, I getcha, but this is the ledge I’m on. Don’t catch me if I fall. Just promise me you’ll make an appearance at the funeral.