Sandpaper Tongue.

Each year October holds a bunch of near consecutive weeks of activities such as Thanksgiving, my daughters’ birthday then Halloween. November kicks into winter but it also ushers in one of the most important dates in our family. I’m talking about Whitney’s birthday.

Whitney Spears, the cat of all kitties, is turning 3 on November 27. I’m considering sending out e-vites to her top like 25 friends but I honestly only have enough party treats for maybe 2. Her name has transformed into Whitney Spezzo (Spet-zo) or simply Spezz. She doesn’t know what covid means and I intend on keeping it that way. She’s a bit of a pris but I’ll take that any day over her step-sister in law Nigel. In fact, let’s keep her out of this. It’s a tribute of sorts and discussing the pervasiveness of Nigel could be considered inappropriate and irrelevant.

At dawn the other day I looked her square in the eye and straight up asked her what she’d like this year for a present. Like clockwork Whitney she paused for an unbearable amount of time. Wondering if she even heard me I cleared my throat and was about to ask again and then she spoke. “Remember in that movie Pee Wee’s Big Adventure where he has that pet dog Spike? I’d like a pet dog just let him. That’s all.”

That’s all hey, I immediately thought to myself. Most cats want a satellite dish or a pretend mouse to play with so this took me for a serious loop. But the serenity in her eyes when she delivered the answer to my question.. I can’t say no. She’s responsible enough. We’re getting her a pet dog!

Next, I had to find the purr-fect kitty cat cake to celebrate this young achiever covered in silky greyish hair. With the polarizing realization that her two favorite flavors are tuna and rooster, I would have to think out of the box. And I would have to sample this 2 layer tuna/rooster cake during conception and after completion.

I needed help with this so I went to my best friend, God, for advice. He waxed poetic, something along the lines of great silence then to proceed how I thought was I thought He said was. Basically I wouldn’t have to sample the meaty cat cake. Just make the bloody thing then step back and present.

Anywho, I’ve still got a couple weeks so I’m not too stressed. I have to start checking back alleys and heavy traffic dumpsters for the doggie gift, figure that makes the most sense. E-vites are on hold but then this is covid season, am I right? A lots on hold, including the chances that I’ll survive much longer but that’s another story. Like not mentioning Nigel we needn’t mention the probability of my internal organs shutting down at any time. Keepin’ it casual for the birthday kitten.


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