That I Would Be Good.

I’ve attached myself somewhat almost as a daily mantra to the Alanis Morrisette song “That I Would Be Good” from the angsty 1998 album “Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie”. All Alanis jokes and cheap shots at my musical sensibilities aside, lyrically, coupled with the delivery, and I’m in tears almost every listen.

Those unfamiliar with this lyrical bouquet, it spews forgiveness and self-acceptance. The repetitive lines “That I would be good” whether this occurence happened or this negative ordeal took place.. the scenario doesn’t have to be okay but the person going through them always is.

That I would be good even if I numb myself.

This cuts into my soul for obvious reasons if you’ve ever read anything from me. A few months back when I was in the throes of a fleeting depression, I felt myself losing the battle with numbing myself. I felt useless and worthless. I adopted a what’s-the-point mentality and allowed myself to go deeper instead of swimming to the surface.

I can’t remember when exactly but at some point there I began listening to this song and it opened up something in me that needed the curtains opened on. I wasn’t worthless. I was good, even though I was trapped and I was numb.

That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds.

Between 2016 and 2017 I put on close to fifty pounds and unfortunately it wasn’t in muscle. Connected with the loss of a marriage, consuming alot of alcohol and not caring what I chose to fuel my body this lead to rapid jiggly jelly body boy. I won’t spent much time on this as I’ve written about it before but I’ve had low self-esteem since packing it on. I went from fit and happy to tubby and crappy.

Looking in the mirror has been hard. There are several unwelcome visitors looking back and in this case its fatty mcphatterton. But this doesn’t rob me of who I am. I am still good. I shouldn’t pick on myself. No matter if you’re fatter, you are still good.

That I would be good whether with or without you.

I have always been fine with being a single person. I’ve never used a girlfriend or wife as a crutch, merely there because I need help in this life or can’t hack it on my own.

That being said deep down I do yearn for that member of the opposite sex that feels so right when we’re together and in her eyes equally. Knowing what it’s like to have that co-joined force, a person can miss it for sure. Regardless of if it’s me against the world or if I’m in cahoots with another, I am good either way.

There are several other lines I can easily align myself with in that song but the point has been made, I hope. No matter where we’re at in life the present circumstance doesn’t touch who we are. No matter what comes our way be it covid, loss of work, a sick child or the inability to make rent, we are still and always will be good.

So look in the mirror and tell yourself that. Listen to a friends rant and remind them they are solid inside, that they are good. Scratch your pets ears and say “Who’s a good boy” even if they’re females. Just don’t ever stop believing the goodness that is in you and that surrounds you.

By Hearts Erased

A blogger for 6 years, I now have my poetry collection being published.

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