All I Can Be Is Me.

Right now, right this second, stop everything and consider one single thought. Where you are and who you are today, right now.. is this who you wanted to be? At any point in your life, whether as a child, youth or young adult, did you envision who you’d be today?

My vision was always rock star/entertainer. Then I had my son and my focus switched to working with children. I put 8 years of my adult life into that field only to date the wrong person, end up with a criminal record and never again have the ability to work with children in any capacity again. No, I’m no pedophile. Any record disallows a person to work professionally with children.

Since then at around age 30 I coasted and took on many different styles of jobs, nothing career building. Then one day I realized my true calling (and somewhat attached to the rockstar dream) was to write. To be a rockstar writer. Not for fame or fortune but to speak to other souls in a way few can, and the rest will follow. That was 6 years ago and you could say I’ve coasted somewhat again since.

So here I am, right now, right this second. I am working a stress free, low income job. My aspirations of being a full-time writer have dwindled but haven’t disappeared. I have battled alcoholism and still am, and I am subsequently over weight and low on self-confidence. I am life itself to my twin daughters and if something were to happen to me they would be in some form of adult foster care and I do not want to think about it.

I am not a self-made man. I own a vehicle but I’ve never owned a house. I’ve been divorced twice. I’m not one of those that lies to themselves in saying I’m content being single; I am not.

I am not pathetic but I am not where I want to be or should be in life. Where would I be if I hadn’t fathered children? Who would I be if I never picked up a drink? Things would be a lot different, I know they would but it goes beyond that.

What if I surrounded myself with smart, strong, successful friends? Then who would I be? I would be living much more out of my head, that’s for sure. Maybe I’d be in politics. Maybe I would have secured a publisher and been living more than comfortably on royalties.

The what-ifs are plentiful but the bottom line is am I going to stay in this place where I don’t belong. How has your life turned out? You may be at the half way point like me. Maybe you’ve got more time on your hands, or maybe less. Take a look. Re-examine. Make adjustments. Sounds easy but we know it’s not.

And guess what else? I’m not dead, and neither are you. I’m not in prison. I’m not on the street, freezing, filthy and begging. I’m not terminal. I have a few dollars in the bank. I have food in my fridge. I have a furnace and a vehicle. I have three kids that love me. I have a job that I’m valued at, and a cheerleader or two.

I’m not selling out arenas. I don’t have six pack abs. But I am doing just fine. Though they go like the speed of sound, I go each day at a time. And with clarity comes new vision and new goals to reach. We are designed to grow. I’m not gonna hold up that process any longer.

By Hearts Erased

A blogger for 6 years, I now have my poetry collection being published.

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