Let My Hope Run Free.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of introducing my girls to a movie I’ve seen countless times “Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy”. They laughed their butts off which was fantastic to see but one scene I once viewed as humorous really hit me a different way this time around.

The first couple scenes in, we are introduced to the four man news team. Ron we’ve met. Then there’s Brian Fantana, the “stylish one of the group”, Champ Kind, the drunk idiot and the lovable dummy Brick Tamland.

When Brick introduces himself to the camera he states the following. “People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.”

It’s delivered with a smile and is outrageous and funny but now knowing that my daughters I.Q.s are the same, just under 50, it’s a shameful reminder of their shaded future. Up until a year ago or so I had regular to high aspirations for my daughters. My son has proven very smart in utilizing the internet as a sole means of income and my girls future was just as bright.

That is until these experts and doctors started informing me of how their lives will look, living in group homes and never being able to be like normal people. I was in denial at first, saying what do you know and letting my hope run free as I typically do. It’s hope beyond reason with me. But as more and more of these reports rolled in, I began to give way with the way I saw things. And each time I let the truth seep in it was like knives in my back. It wasn’t fair and it never will be.

Two days ago I was on the phone with a worker through the FSCD (Family Support for Children with Disabilities) program which helps us transition the girls into adulthood later this year. She asked what kinds of things do my daughters talk about doing or wanting to be. For Lindsey it’s always been the same answer: a cop. With Lexis it’s changed a bit over the years but usually she says dentist.

I could feel the wavering in my voice coming on when I mentioned these desires and rationalizing that I understand they’ll never be able to actually be those things. It was hard to keep it together. She spoke of maybe Lindsey doing some sort of work, even volunteer, along with the police to some capacity. And she spoke of Lexis maybe finding something similar to any smaller aspect of working in a dentist office. A janitor comes to mind and it makes me so sad.

I don’t look forward to when the day comes that I have to look them in the eye and say you can’t ever be a dentist or you won’t ever be a police officer. Why? The answer is way more heartbreaking than the lowdown itself. And it’s coming soon.

Not all hope is lost. If I didn’t have reserve upon reserve I’d have disappeared off the earth years ago. The sky is no longer the limit but that doesn’t mean these precious girls will amount to jack squat. I couldn’t stomach to watch a decline but for now this state of being paralyzed at about age 8 is where we are.

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