I have often been fascinated by the act of suicide and the mess it leaves behind. In a spiritual sense in being a Christian, I’ve grown up believing as a final act of self-murder there is no escaping hell. I have often wondered if this is true, though in reality our sins are covered and therefore making it to heaven shouldn’t be a problem.
They say only a coward would take their own life. I feel the opposite though I guess it depends what the reference is towards. If escaping the hardships of life is the definition then sure, I get that. But in regards to the act itself; you gotta have balls to put that gun in your mouth or open that artery.
Growing up I remember learning that a couple people in my general circle (and by circle I mean school) had offed themselves and just the finality of it hit me hard. Knowing that struggles come and go, you must get into one dark place to convince yourself this is where it all ends. To surrender your body to the earth and your soul to God knows where must be one heck of a trip.
I guess it’s all fresh on my mind as today I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. Where yesterday I was an angry rock, today I was a wet eyed mess though I hid it well. I can imagine a similar sadness must come to you when all hope is lost.
Something like communing with demons and succumbing to their whispers and growing growls convincing you there’s no way out. That feeling compounded by being eternally lost must cause a state of psychosis from which the overwhelmed does not walk away from.
I’ve been crushed and monumentally sad more than I care remember in my life but this is not my demise. For knowledge sake and for the sake of my next book I would like, in a sense, to let myself get so close without pulling the trigger. To occupy that state of mind, if only for a few moments, for posterity, of course.
I’ll never know what happens to a souls fate unto his own demise. One day all answers shall be revealed but that reveal will not take place on this planet. So if my life choices don’t take me then old age or cancer will and so be it. At least I know where my soul will spend eternity.