Carrying on with this theme of breaking down uber positive slogans, I’d like to talk about “Be your best self”. I actually like this one. These four words motivate me. I want to be the best version of myself but I find it near impossible. I feel so beyond far from it that I might as well not even bother most of the time.
I see people excelling all around me and it makes me feel even more stuck than ever. Co-workers who started employment around the same time as me climbing the ladder meanwhile I stay stationary. I see folks meeting weight loss goals and other set short term achievements and I’m over here with this lobotomy paralyzing me from making any sort of jail break attempt.
I’m in a dark spot. I’ve put myself here. I have literally no one to talk to about my state. I’ve reached out and received silence. I’ve reached out to programs that are booking two weeks from now. I need help yesterday. I’m doing this on my own but I’m also not doing anything.
I’ve been meditating on true life ending negatives to try and scare myself fixed. According to a sleep study I stop breathing 88 times per hour. That number I’m sure fluctuates by the hour but take a second to process that. In a seven hour “sleep”, I’m choking myself awake over 600 times. What that really means is each time I fail to take a breath there is no oxygen going to my brain and my body tries (and so far successfully) to wake me up in order to take that next breath.
The damage my internal organs have been taking after all these years must be pretty sickening. Sleep apnea, on the lowest level, opens doors for heart attacks, strokes and diabetes. I don’t just have sleep apnea. I don’t have moderate sleep apnea. I have severe or extreme sleep apnea. Throw in alcohol abuse and the possibility of death each night is 30% greater as the throat muscles are more relaxed and my body waking itself up is lessened.
I have no idea how I am living, the more I think about it. And so I’ve been spared.. for how long? And when things are on a good path after the surgery and sobriety and weight loss, after all the damage done how long can I anticipate to go on?
All questions direct me to flashing arrows pointed at get to your best self as quick as you can. My groundhog day will end. After a couple thousand nights since being diagnosed with extreme sleep apnea, there may not be another tomorrow. I am finally taking this stuff seriously. Even my best might not be enough but the way I’m surviving now is not something I cannot accept anymore. I must be the best me possible. There’s no other way.
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