Things have gotten real deep around here lately and by here I mean my brain. In all its pink, ugly glory, it’s as though I’m accessing parts of it that have previously been untapped. When a mirror is forced under your soul you can’t look away. Beneath the murky waters there is much to be acknowledged and that, my friends, is where we pick up today.
Ever get hit with the reality that your entire life has A) been happening TO you and B) been a series of survival? That would be me today. As shameful and embarrassing as this was to process, it also made alot of sense. I was able to stop, zoom way out and see things for how they really have been and how connected they are.
This initial discovery didn’t give me some forlorn sense of peace, as though my calling in life is chaos via survival. Quite the opposite, in fact. I’ve been warring against myself since I can remember and it hasn’t made for a smoothe ride. Maybe having my proverbial shite together decades ago would have alleviated many unnecessary growth pains but who’s looking back?
I grew up with a stutter. Because of this I often fantasized I was someone else, maybe a cool tv teen with a hot girlfriend. I fell into alcohol and it’s taken more from me than I from it. I was stupid and made a baby. Next thing I know I’m super parent. We’ve moved 7 times in like 12 years. My resume has 20 different places of employment. My relationships with women never go any great distance. And I digress.
Life has happened and I’ve reacted. I haven’t thrived though I have been blessed. I’ve spun my wheels more than I’ve planned for any future. I’ve taken steps backward more often than moving forward. I’ve put my focus on things that don’t matter when I should be investing in the important stuff.
It all makes sense in really understanding who I am. So where does one go from here? I can’t pretend that I don’t have nurses, specialists, children to adult programs and everything in between calling me and emailing me every day. I can’t stop the work/house work/parenting/me time balance or tilt it to my liking. I can’t continue looking past my inner demons; I’m elbow deep at the moment in taking back what is mine. Making this spinner slow down or stop that I try to balance on isn’t an option so how do I cut through the chaos and change things up? I’m still surviving and not much more.
I guess there are better notions to focus on. My life may be happening before my eyes but I do have air in my lungs and children who love me. I may be a disgusting blob of a man but I’m finally working at resculpting the guy inside. It doesn’t always have to get worse. What little control we sometimes have in this crap shoot, we need to make the best of it and realize just like how I got here, one day at a time things can get better. If only I’d believe it.