The Blessings In Pain.

One of the first things I did upon getting home yesterday after the hospital discharge was to step onto the bathroom scale. I had pictured a “Survivor” style weight drop like the contestants do on said show over eating a tiny portion of rice each day over about 5 weeks. Typically they drop around 30 lbs. I lost 18 in 7 days.

Crazily enough, there will be much more to lose as this diet of yogurt, pudding, soup, milk and liquids in general won’t be changing at least for a week or so. Am I losing equal parts muscle mass or fat? No doubt and I’m okay with that. I’ve been gigantic for far too long. Weight loss wasn’t the motivation but I’ll grab onto whatever edge I can get in accomplishing more than just recovering from a life changing surgery, no big deal or anything.

Within this suffering lies clarity of thought and ongoing sobriety. This is something I once thought I might never obtain. There are things changing beneath the surface of me that I can’t yet notice. The more I think about this the more it becomes clear that this is my great reset. This is me born again. Again.

I always considered myself not to be a morning person yet I hear that’s when the good stuff happens. For me to have made the switch where I’m getting up at 7 on a day off would never have transpired in the old ways of me. I would see how the other half lives but have no inclination in breaching such waters. Am I simply more accepting of myself now or is there pure change blasting out of me like the spigot of an oil Derrick?

I’ve gone from a high sugar, junky diet to all these liquids and though that will change soon it’s astounding to me the switch. A new man with a new plan. Or at least a severely traumatized man clinging to whatever life is currently handing out. Not! I won’t live that way anymore. This torment needs to be worth something.

I pushed through this far and I’m not stopping now. My face is numb, talking is very labored and my throat is like swallowing glass still (nearing the end of day 7). Each meal is an endurance competition with many breaks. I may sleep for 2 hours straight. But at some point it has to break. That glorious day when consuming real food is an option or sleeping can last the night. A day without my head exploding and me reminding myself it was worth it.

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