It’s A Bit Warm Out There.

Alberta has plunged into an unprecedented heat wave we’ve never before seen the likes of. Over a hundred years ago Calgary had five consecutive days above 30 degrees back in 1914. We’re looking at day two of about ten. It is being called “significant” and “dangerous”, two words I typically use never in regards to weather or for anything else, I might add.

It’s easy to complain. You can’t escape this kind of heat. It gets trapped in your domicile and makes you inconvenienced inside your own castle, imagine that. The one refuge most of us have going for ourselves and that’s (unfortunately not) out the window. “In the comfort of your own living room” holds no (icy cold) water.

Can I please get five minutes of a heavy snowfall in which I can do snow angels in whilst wearing my birthday suit? Why isn’t there a circus passing through in which they have a dunk tank, only the tank is an ice fishing hole and it’s early February and it’s my turn to sit on the little podium seat thingy? If I free fall off a bridge into the icy waters below will I die or just get extremely refreshed and quickly? Questions no one asks, ever.

Eating an ice cream cone in temps like these requires an acute comprehension that time is not on your side. Consuming a slurpee in this hell heat can basically only be accomplished by chugging it thereby infusing a ten minute brain freeze from which you cannot walk away from. You just gotta barrel through you see because if you don’t it’s meltsville and then nobodies happy.

Remember in the movie Spaceballs when President Skroob opens a can of fresh air and sniffs it down? Why hasn’t someone bottled winter at this point in lifes evolution? We can cure covid but we can’t capture deep winter and release it into a household during a time such as this? So much for an advanced planet. I want off this orb.

The crankiness is setting in. The lethargy monster is biting me at present. I must.. go on. Find cold water. Dunk body. Soak the soul. Can’t cook. Don’t want food. Can’t nap. Can’t sleep. Shouldn’t work out. Going to work on days off is actually sounding appealing. Words jumbling. Thoughts blending. Popsicle. Must cool. Down.


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