Blind Ambition.

I was once a very ambitious man and not long ago but it has all but withered away. I let life and alcohol get in the way. It’s easy to lose focus when you have no goal in sight and without constant reminder. The good news is there is lots of time still and I can get back that which I gave up.

I was considering these past few days how I am now free (two months today!) from the bondage of addiction but I’m not really living like it. I found the key to my prison cell, I’ve turned it in the lock and the door is wide open yet I remain seated in the corner. I’m free to leave at any moment but I don’t.

I feel like this metaphor is bigger than I realize. I’ve lived in a state of being held down for many years, with time and energy robbed from me. Because of this I have procrastinated my desires of personal success often and without end in sight. I have suppressed my inner longings and all but thrown my God given gifts away. The creative me has been bound and gagged far too long.

Besides love for my kids, what gives me the greatest fulfillment in life is to write, and to play music whether drums or guitar. When I’m emersed in it I’m thriving and happy. I’m out of my cell and I’m free on every level. I should have my noggin examined when I let weeks or months go by without doing such things. This puts me back in a four walled world facing the same mundane drivel day in, day out.

I used to sit on the couch amidst a quiet house at the end of each day and drink whilst watching a movie. Now I sit on the couch amidst a quiet house at the end of each day and consume too many calories, though remaining sober, whilst watching a movie. A close so-and-so I know pointed out that I must be chasing that dopamine. Very insightful. Again, here’s me free and acquitted of addictive behaviors yet I’m still sitting in my jail cell, not achieving or reaching for better things.

Is it that comfy? Is that why I stay? Can I only handle so much change? Upon identifying these scary truths I have convinced myself that the buck stops at bed time tonight. Two months post surgery and two months of sobriety has opened new doors for me. And I needn’t feel incarcerated any longer.

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