Recently I wrote about how life keeps getting better and better. It was a nice little ride but of course the bottom fell out, as per expected. Why did I even confess said success? What was the point? Just another batch of life serving up steaming piles of horse crap the next moment over.
The new job is great in regards to alot more money and a new variety of tasks and scenery but my bodies falling apart quickly. Each day is a struggle and it has me wishing I hadn’t made the rash decision to switch. Basically I’m feeling trapped and regretting every second of it.
This week I kinda sorta fell for a girl and it felt phenomenal. I haven’t felt this kind of excitement of potential and connection in years. I was swimming in it. I can’t be lukewarm in regards to matters such as this. Turns out I got played and though I can’t exactly claim a broken heart I do feel gutted and I can’t seem to shake it. I can’t stop thinking about it whilst in a hurricane of emotion. Bloody masseuse.
Matters of the moment are all these really are. At this age I know life won’t end amidst this. In short time all will right itself, at least these issues with which I wrestle. But this is now. The present state of affairs. And I am feeling what I’m feeling because that’s what humans do.
I don’t want this to linger but I also don’t want a get out of jail free card. I gotta figure this stuff out. I have to wade through it. I got here on my own and on my own is how I’ll right these wrongs, or so I tell myself. Basically blah blah blah is the loop in my brain at the moment. I don’t want to pull myself back on to shore just yet.
I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be around people. I don’t want to sleep and I don’t want to stay awake. I don’t want to be fixed and I don’t want to feel broken. I guess without direction this spot is where I lie. This will be over soon. It will be over soon.